in the ass

“Did she fuck you in the ass?” I asked.

I was in bed with my friend.  Well, we cuddled for so many hours–it was our main activity.  We were in a hotel room just the two of us, cuddling like bunnies.  Do friends behave that way?

“Yeah,” she replied.

“Oh god,” I moaned, repulsed.

I pondered my beloved being fucked in the ass by her abusive, lying, cheating ex-girlfriend.  Why in the world did that one deserve such beautiful sex, and I’m stuck in awkward situationship?

“Why did she get everything good?” I asked.  “Was she really pretty?”

My friend thought about it.

“No,” she said.

“Wow,” I said.

“She was just in the right place at the right time.”

“Wow,” I said.

“Or the wrong place at the wrong time.”

me

Where was I?  Was bed with my charming beloved friend the right place, or the wrong place?

I was so drug-flooded from my own bonding hormones that I was literally drooling.  For the first time, she welcomed me to bed when she was not wearing a shirt.  I clung on her back–I was wearing a tank top.  The skin-skin contact was so good I got very high.

A little later I extended an invitation.

“I’ve never fucked anyone in the ass,” I said.  “So…let me know if you ever want to take my fucking someone in the ass virginity.”

“Oh, really?” she asked.

“No, never,” I said.  “I’ve never been fucked in the ass either.  Or gone down on someone’s ass.  But I have those dental dams now.  I think my spouse is going to let me go down on his ass finally.”

“Yeah,” she said.  “I hope so.  You’ve never been fucked in the ass?”

“No, not consensually,” I said.  “Not as an adult.”

“I’m sorry,” she said.

then

Then everything fell apart  She took me to a spot she likes in the forest, and we made a small fire.  I lay on the earth and cried with deep grief in my body.

I cried about my mom.  Everything I’m losing.  Rejection.  How sex has been used to violate and harm me, then to heal me.  Also withheld from me in a culture where fat, disabled poor people are not seen as sexual beings.

What do I deserve?  What am I good enough to receive from my culture, my family, the people I most love?

My dear friend has a gorgeous body, so large, rounded, and real.  I will never fuck her in the ass, and I can’t bear losing another family member.