going down on my spouse’s ass

Going down on my spouse’s ass was more emotional than I ever could have imagined.  So much I learned, I had no idea I would learn.

Previously I thought assholes were embarrassing and dirty.  I had no idea they can be tender, sweet, vulnerable places to deeply love.  It’s like I discovered a whole new body part exists.  My spouse’s asshole is like a pussy I didn’t know he had.

Wow, it blew my mind, to find out that I could cherish, adore, and arouse in this completely new way.  I had not known an asshole could receive deep love.  I’m sorry I missed the entire concept until I experienced it.  I feel embarrassed I didn’t understand that an asshole is totally valid to love as deeply as any other body part.

But thank god I understand now.

nervous

He took a shower then lay on his tummy on our bed.  I took off my clothes and lay with him.  We looked at the PPE together.  He opened the non-latex dental dam, and it seemed an ok size.  We sniffed it and felt its texture.

“Do you need some cuddle to warm up?” I asked.

Usually my spouse is quick starting like the cliche of men.  He is not a man but has a dick and balls like I often associate with men.  I held him and stoked his beautiful ample butt cheeks.

“Are you nervous?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Me too,” I said.  “A little bit.  Should we go for it?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Tell me if you need me to stop, ok?” I said.

“Ok,” he said.

lick

We positioned ourselves on the bed so I could access his ass.  I had the lube, dental dam, and coconut oil.  I touched his balls which were visible beneath him, which he enjoyed.  It felt good to pause in this liminal moment.

“This is the lube–it might be cold.  Is that ok?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

You know that sound of the lube bottle clicking open.  I dripped lube, put the dental dam on the asshole area, and put some coconut oil in my mouth to melt and make slippery.  I held the dental dam in place and dove.

Wow, finally I had arrived in my spouse’s ass.  What a long journey.  I licked gently, then harder.  He emoted with pleasure as if I was going down on his dick.

It was hard to tell the exact area of his asshole– I would prefer if a dental dam was clear.  This one was a milky white.  So I licked above his asshole, below his asshole, and on the opening itself.

“Is this ok?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

I tried licking harder, and he responded with more positive emotions.  My cunt throbbed with desire also.  Holy god, we were doing the thing.

one more minute

“I’m going for one more minute–is that ok?” I asked my spouse.

“Yeah,” he said.

I savored the pleasure of this experience.  I wanted to grab his balls more as I licked, but I needed two hands to keep the dental dam in place.  Sometimes I wanted to let the dental dam fall away and have more direct contact.  But we had been clear on our boundaries, and this was a good first try.

“This is my hand,” I said, fingering his asshole over the dental dam.  “Is this ok?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Ok, I’m going to stop now,” I said, getting up.  “I’m going to throw the dental dam away.  Should I use the bathroom trash?”

“No, the other trash,” he said.

“I’m going to wash my hands.  Is that ok?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

I was afraid he was feeling extra vulnerable and needed cuddle right after, not cleanup.  It was unknown, how he would react to this–I know that after trying something new, I’m often freaked out.  But he was clear that he was ok.

afterward

“How was that for you?” I asked my spouse as I cuddled him.

“It was great!” he said.

“Yeah, pretty amazing,” I said.  “I had no idea.”

I held him closely, and I was overwhelmed with emotion and started to cry.  New love was flowing out of me.  My mind was so blown that crying was the only response.

My spouse held me as I cried.  We had gone through it together.  I hope for many more new experiences with him.

Then we had sex more.  I went down on him, and he fucked me with a force I had not received in some time.  I masturbated as he held me, and my orgasm was a pleasure and a relief.  All that was very familiar, colored by the bliss of trying something new.

gay

“Did it feel gay?” I asked.

“No, I don’t think so,” he said.

“It felt kind of gay, to me,” I said.

That was a huge surprise, that going down on my spouse’s ass would make me feel more gay.  Gay like I was a man and he was a man, when of course neither of us is a man.  But gender has been extra fluxy lately, since I grew this mustache then cut off my hair.

A gay feeling also, if feelings can be gay, was a flood of desire to protect him.  I felt a weird gender role.  I’d had just fucked my spouse in a way I have never fucked anyone before, and I learned he’s vulnerable and valuable in a way I never knew.

parts

Dicks can be harsh and unsubtle.  My spouse’s dick is a valid part of him that I adore.  But dicks can remind me of energetic large drooling dogs.  They are ready to romp and get and complete things.

Doing it with my spouse’s asshole was so different from engaging his dick.  The asshole is completely unlike a bouncy dog.  The asshole is like sublime outer space, twinkling with stars.  Or the asshole is like a sacred swampland to slowly paddle through.  Or the asshole is like a quiet desert expanse at sunrise.

Yes, going down on my spouse’s asshole was more like honoring a powerful force of nature than pleasing a pushy animal.

It was a different kind of tenderness than I had ever felt.  His ass was as sweet, perfect, and tender as pussy.  It was overwhelmingly obvious that I needed to nurture and care for this vulnerable pussy-having person.  Like he was my beloved wife.

When I was a teenager I had girlfriends, but the sex I had with my girlfriends was furtively rushed.  It was not part of a longterm safe relationship.  With my spouse I’m completely held and 100% myself.

gender trouble

This felt like my first time doing it with a lady in a secure way.  Only of course my spouse is not a lady.  But actually my spouse is everything, like Shiva, including a lady.  In that moment, he was more of a lady to me than ever.  Well, definitely not a man.

All this was without language, this wave of intense desire to protect that I had never felt.  I had a new understanding of his humanity.  The world sees him as a man, but he is not a man.  He is so much more than that.

I’m not saying this makes any sense or is right or good, but that’s how I felt.  Newly I had the strong feeling I would do anything to protect this amazing valuable miracle of vulnerable awesome.

Not that I would kill for my spouse exactly, but something like that.  Suddenly I understood a piece of toxic(?) masculinity.  I stood up from the bed transformed.  Shivering in the knowledge of “this is the most sacred, amazing thing in the world, and I would do anything to protect it.”

wow

Also I understood more why my spouse loves eating pussy, like it’s his favorite thing in the world.  For years I did not enjoy it, as getting in the headspace to be that vulnerable was too big a task.  Glad I relaxed.

I’m so happy about going down on my spouse’s ass.  Happy I wanted to try something new, communicated, got consent, prepared, and we followed through.  Then we talked about it and shared aftercare.

Our relationship is slightly changed.  My expectations have shifted as the gender has broken down more.  I feel ready to step up in a way I never have.  I feel more accurate that my spouse and I are both vulnerable, blameless people who are sacred and deserve to be protected, like Parent Earth.

Sometimes I don’t know which desires should stay a fantasy, and which to follow through with.  This was a wonderful choice to overcome nervousness about and follow through with going down on my spouse’s ass.

The gender roles I learned as a young person are wrong.  I need ways to rip off the idea-overlay and experience the truth.