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unsent letter

feather

You put all your stuff in our shed and moved away.  You said you would come back in six months.  I txted you as you journeyed north, and I loved you so much; I almost asked you to turn around. When that volunteer palm tree was growing next to the house too long ignored, I

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unsent letter

the real you

I always felt like the real you was deep inside you, so precious and beautiful and good.  I believed in that one. But I think I was mostly making that you up.  Maybe there are many of you.  That’s what you told me.  But I don’t want to talk to this one, in these three

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theory unsent letter

chickens

I don’t think I ever told you, my spouse, or anyone that where you live is part of what I loved about you.  Background that never gets mentioned but sets the scene for everything.  I’m crying tonight about the feral chickens I’m not going to see, the lush plants you’ll never teach me, the walks

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unsent letter

angry

I watch my feelings change as the months pass.  I’m glad to stay in motion.  Angry this morning–yeah, I’ve been angry.  So here’s a fuck you list. fuck you  Fuck you for letting me bring you into my life, connecting with my friends and spouse and community.  For letting me welcome you, so kindly, then

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ritual unsent letter

death genius

I was watching a poetry reading online, with several readers.  A lady I don’t know read poems about her husband dying unexpectedly in a car wreck.  In her between-poem chatter, she said, “Grief is a solitary journey.  We have to do it alone, in our own way.” I stopped the video and started to cry

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ritual unsent letter

punishment

I read something about punishment, and it made me think of you.  I don’t believe in punishment–prisons, parents hitting kids, punishment in relationships that are supposed to be sweet, like friendships and partnerships. Seems like consequences are inevitable, but something about the “I am right–you are wrong, so you must suffer,” creeps me out like

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unsent letter

emotional

Hey, been thinking about how you gave so much to me. It was amazing. Explaining to a friend, I was emotional, crying about loving you, missing you, and the things you didn’t talk to me about–questions unanswered, topics avoided. She summed up what she heard, “I’m sorry he was emotionally unavailable.” I was like–what?! I

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unsent letter

you matter to me

Lately I’ve had a fantasy that you love me how I want to be loved.  You hold me and tell me I matter to you.  You undress yourself and me, lay me down in your bed or the bank of a river.  Then you slip yourself inside of me, and with force I’ve rarely known,

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unsent letter

what I wish

This is what I wish the Joker of Hearts would say. dear Nest, I miss you so much and think about you every day.  Txting you was one of my favorite parts of the day.  I miss showing you pictures too, because a good plant pic or graffiti pic, I knew you would lose your

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unsent letter

dear Nest

dear Nest, I see what kindness you did.  Giving, caring, listening with your body.  Being there for someone.  Doing love as spiritual practice, steadfastly.  I admire how completely you gave.  It was rare and gorgeous. Then I admire how you pulled away, when it was too painful to maintain.  You tried many ways to adjust. 

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