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unsent letter

to dream

The conversation didn’t go how I thought it would at all.  I thought we were going to talk about relationship options, and I felt excited.  Beforehand I’d imagined possibilities we could try.  It was fun to dream. I was unprepared for how “no” you seemed.  Wow–why have a conversation, if the answer is just that

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theory unsent letter

difficult things

How many difficult things can you do in a day?  I like to do only one per day.  Then I can think about it, learn my lessons, roll it over in my mind, tell friends what I did and get their support and feedback.  Possibly recover so I can do more difficult things, other days.

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unsent letter

fuck you

Fuck you for inviting me to your bed, having a tender sexual experience with me, and rejecting me the following day. Fuck you for acting like every selfish, horny, immature boy acted toward me from the time I was age 10 to the time I was age 22.  But flying across the country on an

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theory unsent letter

the friend

I’m 95% convinced that I need to give up the friend I loved who hurt me, the harmful house guest.  Not speaking with him for a month, I’ve learned a lot.  I’ve pondered in my own mind, written about him, and shared conversations with close friends about what happened. Mostly I accept the loss, but

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unsent letter

charming

Inviting vampires into the house is a bad idea, but they’re so damn charming, right?  And you didn’t know when you invited them in, of course.  The charming facilitates the harming.  We should do a fang-check at the door. This is hopefully the last unsent letter to someone charming. image credit: Jack of hearts, unchanged,

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unsent letter

dismissing the harmful

The days pass, and it’s still hard to believe that you’d come here and show me for sure that you’re not concerned about my well-being.  No big deal, to deceive and use me like a random stranger. I wouldn’t treat a stranger like that–I would treat no one like that.  Not a dog.  Not a

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unsent letter

feather

You put all your stuff in our shed and moved away.  You said you would come back in six months.  I txted you as you journeyed north, and I loved you so much; I almost asked you to turn around. When that volunteer palm tree was growing next to the house too long ignored, I

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unsent letter

the real you

I always felt like the real you was deep inside you, so precious and beautiful and good.  I believed in that one. But I think I was mostly making that you up.  Maybe there are many of you.  That’s what you told me.  But I don’t want to talk to this one, in these three

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theory unsent letter

chickens

I don’t think I ever told you, my spouse, or anyone that where you live is part of what I loved about you.  Background that never gets mentioned but sets the scene for everything.  I’m crying tonight about the feral chickens I’m not going to see, the lush plants you’ll never teach me, the walks

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unsent letter

angry

I watch my feelings change as the months pass.  I’m glad to stay in motion.  Angry this morning–yeah, I’ve been angry.  So here’s a fuck you list. fuck you  Fuck you for letting me bring you into my life, connecting with my friends and spouse and community.  For letting me welcome you, so kindly, then

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