Categories
theory

news

My spouse read that last post about how I was hurt by a friend who we loved.  “Do you ever see his news?” I asked. “No,” my spouse said. “Maybe would you look him up?” I asked.  “I’m just curious if he’s alive.” “Ok, I can do that.” “Would you look up my ex-husband also?”

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Categories
theory

gender trouble

My spouse went to read yesterday’s post with the meme of the ’90s kid about to instant message your girl, and he was confused.  Gender trouble!  “Is that you?” he asked. “No!” I said.  “I didn’t make that meme!” “Oh, ok,” he said.  “Wasn’t sure.” “I didn’t look like a boy that much!” I said.

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Categories
theory

kind

Nurturing from cis-men can feel so rare–we’re beaming with joy, that a cis-man did something kind. I’ve been in the situation of my head hitting a wall during sex, and advocating for myself, or someone else advocating for me.  A few times, I was not able to say “stop” to move the pillow in place. 

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Categories
theory

Mexican dressup shirt

“Hey, what if I buy you a Mexican dressup shirt, project a bunch of family stuff on to you, then have sex with you.  Does that sound fun?” I asked my spouse. He was standing in the kitchen and looked at me kind of confused.  “Uh, yeah?” he said. Usually when I say a list

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Categories
theory

rigid

“All those things I said we could do–we don’t need to do any of them.  The time I said–we could do different times also.  Those were just ideas.  We don’t need to be rigid.” I told all that to my spouse–we were lying in bed, early morning.  I was comforting him, that our day could

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Categories
smut theory

lion sex

We looked at pictures of lions having sex.  I’d seen a picture of lion sex accidentally and felt horny.  The way he bit her neck.  Her submission to his pushing, thrusting mass.  Yes–feline, strong, massive upon her. “You wanna see?” I asked my spouse.  We were in bed.  He said yes, so I showed him

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Categories
theory

poker

My brother was a drug dealer.  High school I’m guessing just weed–later, he dealt all the drugs.  I’m not saying anything about the weapons.  But they can go together.  He played poker as a cover, like a decoy.  So we heard about the ups and downs of his poker career. mama I heard a cliche–a

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Categories
theory

what changed

What changed after I wrote the threesome essay is I feel less sure that threesome is possible.  I’d love to live another 40 years, and I hope there’s lots of joy in my future. But I realized that my spouse qualifies as a senior now, some places.  His disabilities worsen, and mine do too–more pain,

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Categories
unsent letter

garden

Dear Elsewhere Miracle, This morning, I tried to go back to sleep.  But I started thinking about you, and I missed you so much, I was crying.  I got tears all over my cpap mask, and sleep was hopeless.  Happened twice. I’ve loved a lot of people, through the years.  No lack of love, in

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Categories
ritual theory

my dad

I wanted to have a ritual to talk to my dad, who died almost five years ago, of an overdose.  He was a white guy, and at least some of my problems with white guys come from abuse from him.  White guys I love have way too much power over me, especially when I want

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