Categories
theory

poker

My brother was a drug dealer.  High school I’m guessing just weed–later, he dealt all the drugs.  I’m not saying anything about the weapons.  But they can go together.  He played poker as a cover, like a decoy.  So we heard about the ups and downs of his poker career. mama I heard a cliche–a

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theory

what changed

What changed after I wrote the threesome essay is I feel less sure that threesome is possible.  I’d love to live another 40 years, and I hope there’s lots of joy in my future. But I realized that my spouse qualifies as a senior now, some places.  His disabilities worsen, and mine do too–more pain,

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unsent letter

garden

Dear Elsewhere Miracle, This morning, I tried to go back to sleep.  But I started thinking about you, and I missed you so much, I was crying.  I got tears all over my cpap mask, and sleep was hopeless.  Happened twice. I’ve loved a lot of people, through the years.  No lack of love, in

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Categories
ritual theory

my dad

I wanted to have a ritual to talk to my dad, who died almost five years ago, of an overdose.  He was a white guy, and at least some of my problems with white guys come from abuse from him.  White guys I love have way too much power over me, especially when I want

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unsent letter

dear Mama

Dear Mama, You are my favorite and my darling.  Oh, how I long for you, sweet dear Mama.  My heart feels weird and full, to speak to you.  How far away you seem.  Where did you go? People say you’re inside me.  But where?  My heart?  Where in my heart?  My hands?  I doubt it. 

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Categories
theory

sexy mama

My mom was soulful, deeply feeling, sensual, great at having fun, and very beautiful.  If it’s ok to say your own mom was sexy, I will say that.  Yeah, she was a very sexy mama. What a contradictory lady!  She had some modesty going on, related to early trauma.  She didn’t slow cleavage or leg. 

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theory

apple

“So do you have a thing for E?” I asked my spouse, the apple of my eye. “Do I have a thing for E?” he asked, looking up at me. “Yeah, like do you have a crush on her?” “Yeah?” he said. “Aw!” I said.  “Like you wanna do it with her?  Like you masturbate

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theory

emotionally unavailable: healing dad trauma through sex

I was having a fantasy about my friend.  He’s a white guy elsewhere who seems emotionally unavailable, but gives sudden lightning strikes of kindness, appreciation, adoration. He disappears and seems to forget about me.  Then praises me in a way that makes me feel faint.  I tremble.  The unexpected thrill feels amazing.  I want his

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Categories
theory unsent letter

I want to matter to you

i realized the main thing i want out of sex is soul connection and validation.  my spouse and i have a deep emotional connection.  but other people, it’s not that i need the orgasm, conquest, stress relief, learning, or to feel powerful.  it’s not athletic, expected, or entertainment.  it’s if this amazing person wanted me,

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Categories
poem

golden rabbit

This poem “golden rabbit” is about open relationship and whether we admit that we’re free. golden rabbit Every relationship is an open relationship. It’s a matter of whether you admit you are free. Old friend was standing in the kitchen– I was wearing that yellow dress men get excited by. He looked at me, and

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