This letter about relationship pain comes from a hurt place I don’t know how to talk about. This letter is an unsent attempt to sort it out.
I’ve been thinking about me and you. I remember you mentioned most of your partners have been mean to you, or a mixed situation. My spouse and I love you so much, but I think you do not want us parterwise or sexually.
Are you only attracted to people who hurt you? Are you only attracted to thin people who look like regular pretty?
That night a month or two ago, or however long ago, when I took tangles out of your hair in the living room, and you lay back on me on the couch, the weight of your body was my joy. I was flooded with joy. I was so happy I could barely think. The herbalism lecture was on, and you kept commenting on the content like we weren’t having intimacy–nothing special was happening.
But to me it was special. I didn’t care about the lecture anymore–all I cared about was how good it felt to be close to you.
Then the next day we went to the bakery, and I offered to sit next to you or across from you. You didn’t care where I sat and didn’t want my cuddles. I was crying because I wish you wanted that cozy feeling. I wished you wanted to be close to me.
Then I was confused when you said I could rub your feet again with the hemp oil, but you didn’t want to lead me on. I’m still trying to figure out what you meant. I think you meant you didn’t want to hurt me, like you didn’t want me to think you wanted to have sex with me.
But I don’t understand what rubbing your feet has to do with sex. Is the love sexy, or is physical pleasure just inherently sexy? There’s something I’m missing.
It seems like you like our friendship as is. But sometimes I think I’m giving too much because I hope you’ll decide I’m good enough and you would like to partner with me.
So then I think I should pull away because I should be working on my own projects, not yours. If you want this friendship boundary, I should give less and save my energy for myself, my spouse, and anyone who might want me in a bigger way.
Yesterday when you said you could be my family member, that was kind of you. Thank you. I think you already sort of are my family member, but part of me wishes you and me and my spouse could all partner. But I don’t think you want that, and there are complicating factors also. I’m sorry I touched your shame places before and hurt you by naming the complicating factors.
Could we talk about this? Maybe in person? I keep deciding what we’re doing is not really good for me, and I should give less and engage less. Do you feel me pull away? Sometimes I feel like you’re reigning me back in. Then we slip into the same thing we were doing. I would rather be intentional.
Last night was so fun. I loved watching you make noise. I loved dancing a little, heating the foods together, sharing candy, talking, receiving your comfort when I was hurting about family pain, and my spouse cleaning up. It was fun to watch you play video games for a little while, and hear your idea of putting a shelf in the stairwell.
It was such a nourishing night. I want that but not the part where I’m hurt, feeling rejected, unwanted, undesirable, and confused about what’s going on. I don’t want the part where I decide this isn’t good for me, or I’m crying feeling like I’m begging you to desire me back, and it’s pathetic of me. That part is depressing.
Could you help me? What can we do, so I’m hurting less? Should we do something different? I would like to problem solve. I can ask other people, but I thought I would check with you.
Thank you for considering some helpful conversation. I feel like you want to glide along not talking about this, but I can’t glide along indefinitely. I don’t really want to date–I feel scared to meet a new person today, like what the hell am I doing. You let us deep into your life, but part of me wants to be let a little further in. I don’t know how to not want that.
I’ve been in a similar situation before with other people. They played me for it, and I don’t think you’re playing me at all. But can we talk about it to help it be ok for all of us? I would rather talk about it than just disappear, or do something to fuck it up to force a conversation.