I keep pulling the tower and death card, when I ask Spirit about you–it’s been months. Spirit tells me our relationship needs big change.
Earlier on I used to get the three of swords, five of cups. Spirit told me to walk away, and I didn’t have the guts. When I asked the negative outcome if we stayed close, I gut the three of cups.
“Wow, how could that be bad?” I marveled. “If that’s bad, I guess we’re fine.” But now I see how the party-style togetherness is so much work, and I do it more for you than for me.
Also I got the seven of swords a few days ago, which is about deception. Since then I’m trying extra hard to tell the truth so our friendship is solid and real. Thank you for accepting my truth even if it’s uncomfortable.
I’m above board at this point and hopeful that I’m not hiding anything. So I want to ask what you’re lying about, but it’s not my business unless you want it to be.
Now it’s time I think less about you and more about myself. It you want to fess up to anything, you know where to find me.
It’s not good for my health to long for you and break my own heart. I’m losing sleep and it’s stupid of me. I feel sad like I’m not good enough, which fuels my self-loathing even though you’ve told me I’m a good friend.
When you said my spouse and I love you how you want to be loved, that was an amazing compliment. I’m not sure anyone ever said that to me before.
But you’re not loving me how I want to be loved. Partway, absolutely. But my body can’t stop wanting the weight of your body pushing me down again, and to rest in your arms.
As things are, I hold back. But I want to be myself all the way with you, an animal with you, and meet you in the darkest place.
I value my health and would like to live many more decades. So I’m asking Mother God–help me stop wanting anyone sexually who doesn’t want me back. I need to make some changes so I won’t be heartbroken all the time. I want to make sure you know I love you, and you can always talk to me about relationships stuff.
Otherwise, I need to move on in that sense. I’ll do ritual and figure out ways to protect my heart. Maybe I’ll visualize it locked, and you don’t get the key. It’s hard to pull away–desire is such a pleasure in and of itself. But you are a good friend, I can’t just cut you off. Part of me wants to because all or nothing is way easier than trying to figure out the small steps away.
I hope to meet someone who wants to accept and nurture me sexually. My spouse is amazing, and I love him 100%. But I need diversity. I wish I didn’t. I wish I wasn’t such a slut.
Or I wish you were willing and able to do intimacy like an available adult. It’s strange to watch you turn down our offer of gold. But I know gold is just another rock, when any rock could sink you.
Thank you for the honesty you’ve given me and the beautiful friendship. Thank you for comfort and touch. I appreciate you wanting to help me with my projects also as I help with yours. I hope we find a way to share more in a stable, friend way.
Truth is, I don’t know how to be friends. Maybe I’ll figure it out sometime. My heart does what it does, ready to give. Then my body gets horny, along for the ride.
I’m sorry you don’t want me enough to overcome the pain that keeps you isolated. Or enough to risk losing everything by going to your deepest place.
Those deepest places are where I tend to dwell. Yes, I’m that kind of fish. It’s no value judgment on whatever kind of fish you are. But I’m crying that we don’t match.
Thank you for all you help me learn; you give me experiences and knowledge that no one else does. I need you in my life. In a way, I’m very happy with you. Just the longing is tearing me up.
May we figure shit out. May it be so.