I was wondering, “Why does it feels so important, when I want to have sex with someone?” Feels vitally important, looming so huge in my internal landscape. My spouse is wonderful, and I have such good sex with him. Why risk so much with a new person, just for some thrills?
Of course I want more than thrills–I’m looking for transcendence. I’m looking for the ultimate in intimacy. I want to be all the way close to someone.
I figured out that the answer is multi. But the main thing I want is status–I want to be deep in someone’s heart and family, in order to be safe.
To figure out why the risk seems worth it, I started speaking in my head to a friend I long for sexually. In a fantasy, I say some sentences over and over. The list of sentences is like a poem.
I want to matter to you.
I want to know how you act when you’re not acting.
I want to be close to you.
I want you to choose me.
I want you inside me.
I want to relax all the way with you.
I want to deeply rest with you.
I want to be my whole self with you.
I want to give my whole self to you.
I want to be safe with you.
I want to have the most sacred role.
Yes, now I understand it’s about status: I want to be in the inner circle–family. It’s a lot of reasons, but mostly I want to be nestled as close as close can be, cozy and so deeply chosen, nothing could make me scared anymore that I’m really alone.
But then I realized–hey, this fantasy is not real. With my spouse yes, sex works that way. These two friends I want to do it with, having sex with them would not make me more safe. In fact, I would become less safe. The relationships would turn into chaos.
What I most want is to be helpful and improve the lives of the people I love. If I became a partner, that would make me in a whole new position, subject to relationship trauma and sex trauma. Becoming a partner, I would be someone to yell at, to project more crap onto, to worry about more. So much would change.
More physical intimacy means my needs go up dramatically. These friends can barely handle my friend needs right now. Having sex with either of them would be disaster.
I could hope for a miracle. But realistically, these are not people to have sex with. Our needs and capacities don’t correspond. My role would not become more sacred, my place in their life more secured. In fact, I would probably lose them.
The truth is, I’m at the sweet spot right now–we are close and happy as good friends. This is the apex of my usefulness. Close friendship is as good as it can get, and how we’re doing close friendship is beautiful.
Wow, good to know. I’m proud I understand that sex would not be worth the risk of destroying the meaningful good we have. It’s not just a rejection cliche: “I don’t want to mess up our friendship.” I can see from here that we’re friends because friendship is the workable option.
Really loving these persons and wanting what’s best for them means I cannot risk having sex with them. Even loving myself means I want what’s best for me also. Since my spouse and I disabledly interdepend, I need what’s best for him also.
My body is ready to exchange erotic energy. But my mind knows that’s a horrible idea.
So I think my mind can win. I hope my hormones will calm, and I can do something sustainable. I’m sorry I got excited by love.
It’s not a fail–it’s ok. I like about myself that I want to go really deep. I love how I love. Just I can’t let the desire win that’s actually destructive.
Animal species thrives because lust is powerful. Our bodies can’t be blamed for their m.o. of “Mate first, ask questions later.” But I choose to be responsible.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so responsible. But true love / being a force of good is more important than anything.