Categories
theory

mama cat

I’ve seen a facial expression of a mammal who had a litter and is nursing numerous baby animals.  Mostly a mama cat, lying on her side, with countless kittens climbing on her and going for the milk.  She gave birth to them a few days ago.  She’s lying there as they knead her, find a

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theory

what can get me off

What’s real is so different from what can get me off.   Sometimes what can get me off the best is Wrong.  Sometimes I want to masturbate imagining being fucked by someone inappropriate, like someone who was hurtful to me. It’s a no judgment zone–what can get me off is ok, whatever ideas I need.  It’s

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theory

joker

“I never loved someone like that.  I never loved the joker.”  My spouse and I were lying in bed, and I was talking about the man I loved who came and went, the painful house guest.  Thinking of that small sound he made, the “uh, uh” in a rap song.  I was crying about what

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theory

not today

Hey, how are you doing?  I share this meme as something funny and too accurate.  “Not today, satan” is countered with “What about tonight?” I’ve had some dates with satan.  Or devilish folx, if not the Lucifer himself!  Yes, he can be persistent.  If abusers gave up easily, wouldn’t that be easier. trust My first

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unsent letter

the real you

I always felt like the real you was deep inside you, so precious and beautiful and good.  I believed in that one. But I think I was mostly making that you up.  Maybe there are many of you.  That’s what you told me.  But I don’t want to talk to this one, in these three

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ritual unsent letter

punishment

I read something about punishment, and it made me think of you.  I don’t believe in punishment–prisons, parents hitting kids, punishment in relationships that are supposed to be sweet, like friendships and partnerships. Seems like consequences are inevitable, but something about the “I am right–you are wrong, so you must suffer,” creeps me out like

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ritual theory

my dad

I wanted to have a ritual to talk to my dad, who died almost five years ago, of an overdose.  He was a white guy, and at least some of my problems with white guys come from abuse from him.  White guys I love have way too much power over me, especially when I want

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Categories
list theory

abuse

Abuse can be a train wreck, or subtle, long term harm.  Deep in a relationship, it can be hard to have perspective. What’s healthy?  What do I deserve?  What’s happy?  Is life really supposed to be like this? Wow, I was out to sea so long.  I forgot what happy could look like.  I thought

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Categories
smut theory

the porn addict

red curry That night the pron addict told me he had a porn addiction, we were at the Thai place by his apartment, and something in me constricted, grossed out.  Then about one second letter, I felt a rush of compassion.  I reached out to him with my arms.  I held him.  He was wearing

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