Categories
smut

in bed

“I want to wrap this around my dick,” my spouse said, touching the fat pad of my vulva, just above my slit.  We were lying in bed together, post-cuddle. I laughed.  “What do you think it is?  Some kind of dick cloak, a jacket, or a hotdog bun?” I asked. Then we were both laughing–I

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Categories
theory

homeless

“Can you turn here and drive back toward that gas station?” I asked my spouse.  He turned right and did as I asked.  “I saw someone homeless who looked like ______,” I said. “That person?” my spouse asked, pointing to a stranger. “No, that person,” I said.  Same tall, thin frame, pale skin, long blond

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Categories
theory

what a slut is

There’s “slut” in the current one-phrase description of this blog.  I’m a shimmering disabled oxytocin slut, luminous and kind.  Lately I’ve been thinking about what a slut is. When the man I loved came here to visit me, he used me, and I’m still recovering.  He had sexual contact with me, gave me zero aftercare,

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Categories
theory

bonding cues

My intro on facebook lately is “processing bonding cues creatively while Rome burns.”  It came about when I was looking at something about autism online, months ago.  The term “bonding cues” really stood out to me. Yes, the things people do to indicate closeness or distance, privately and in a group–thrilling.  I love bonding cues. 

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Categories
theory

what I learned

I was looking through my old journal as I got ready to transition to a new journal.  I found this list of reasons not to be close to the man I loved.  Amazing, what I’ve learned.  “Wait, when did I write this?” I wondered. The part that surprised me the most was the quiet “he

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Categories
theory

being vulnerable

I like being vulnerable.  It’s my favorite thing to do.  Being vulnerable to people who don’t want that is no good.  But being vulnerable with people who want that from me and will be vulnerable in response–that’s what I live for. It’s why I write, why I love, and my whole deal.  Activism, ritual, support

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Categories
theory

wishing

This morning I had a headache and was hearing voices more than usual.  I was lying in bed, and I felt like I could sleep.  So I put on my cpap mask and turned onto my side, feeling cozy.  Then my mind did something I need it to stop doing.  I thought of the man

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Categories
unsent letter

fuck you

Fuck you for inviting me to your bed, having a tender sexual experience with me, and rejecting me the following day. Fuck you for acting like every selfish, horny, immature boy acted toward me from the time I was age 10 to the time I was age 22.  But flying across the country on an

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Categories
theory

family

My friend was curious about what I mean by family.  She’d heard me talk about the man I loved, who my spouse and I invited into our family.  She didn’t understand what that meant.  Maybe I seemed formal about it.  How was that different from being close, close friends? Yes, it might be confusing, how

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Categories
theory

what family is

I was thinking about what family is, lying in bed crying, half asleep.  If I’d sucked the dick of my friend, would I have mattered to him then?  If he came down my throat, would he have loved me then? No, of course not.  But my half-asleep mind was trying to make it work.  Like

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