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theory

ashamed

I felt ashamed that no one wants to date me.  I made an advert on Lex and felt sad when no one responded, other than spammers.  Why the shame, I’m not sure. Rejection is embarrassing–I do have playground trauma, being perpetually chosen last for the baseball team.  Or old old danger from thousands of years

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theory

what changed

What changed after I wrote the threesome essay is I feel less sure that threesome is possible.  I’d love to live another 40 years, and I hope there’s lots of joy in my future. But I realized that my spouse qualifies as a senior now, some places.  His disabilities worsen, and mine do too–more pain,

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theory

DGLM

Long ago in okcupid, there was a dating persona test.  I was into okcupid for a time–met some amazing people–so I took this test and got DGLM. The dating persona test is like the Myers-Briggs in that there are four areas, were you are either one or the other.  So that combination of these four

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theory unsent letter

date

I know why I was scared of the date–that you would fall in love, get together, and this new girlfriend would hate me.  So she would ban you from talking to me, and I would get hurt and lose you.  Yikes. I guess that’s pretty standard fear of new girlfriend entering the mix.  But that

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theory

dating

I have one good friend who’s dating.  She broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago, and she’s free. She tells me about her dating experiences.  Sounds like a shitshow.  But she wants different things from what I want. fat As a fat person, I endure the pain of being mis-seen and projected upon,

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theory

what covid does to love

Sex is good for me, so good, to move toward pleasure and connection.  It’s healed me, taught me about trust, given me reasons to live.  Thank you to my sweet spouse for giving me so much sexual joy, these past many years.  Covid is a stressor, and I’m learning about covid love. steam valves Is

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