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theory

topping

“I finally understand topping now,” I said to my spouse. Lying in bed long after waking up, I was having a slow morning, staring out the window.  I was looking at the tall pear tree by the bike shed, in the rain. “The pears are only reachable on the bottom part of the tree,” I

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smut

open it

“Open it,” I said. I was lying in bed after a shower with the fan blowing on my body.  I was drying off my cunt, my ass, and the place between my abdomen and mons.  And the creases between my thighs and cunt.  So good to get wet and clean, then nicely dry. It’s beneficial

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list theory unsent letter

sex gratitude

Here’s a list of my sex gratitude. respect Thank you for caring about my well-being, pleasure, and safety.  Thank you for caring about my whole life including before you arrived on the scene, and if there’s time that I live without you.  Your responsible kindness–in bed and outside of bed–makes me want you.  I want

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Categories
theory

second sex party

Thank goodness, we attended our second sex party.  This time felt different because we brought our housemate friend.  Also it felt different because it wasn’t shocking, new, and intense. the first time The first time was such a big deal, my mind was blown.  I was overwhelmed.  I’d never done anything like that, and I

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Categories
theory

you’re a good sub

“You’re a good sub,” my girlfriend said.  “So good at saying what you need.” Wow, we were at the rose garden to watch a play.  I must have given her a strange facial expression, because she knew I had a big reaction inside. “What?” she asked. “God, I love hearing that,” I said. “That you’re

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theory

impact

Lately I crave impact.  My feelings get stuck in my body.  When my spouse hits me, the feelings shake loose and get back in motion, where they belong. Does it work this way for other people?  How do you unstick your feelings?  My body needs what it needs.  I don’t make up the rules. impact

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review theory

sex party

I went to my first bdsm sex party.  I went there to learn, and I did learn–more than I expected, about myself and others.  While I was there and for a day or so afterward, I felt very positive about the experience.  I was elated.  As the days pass, I feel less positive and less

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Categories
theory

closer

“Wow, I lost my voice, singing in the car.  I didn’t think I was singing that loud,” I told my cherished housemate friend.  My voice was raspy.  We were at the dining room table, co-working, closer than we had been. “What were you singing?” they asked. I pondered that playlist.  There were so many songs

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Categories
theory

what I realized

This is what I realized, asking my spouse to stuff my holes like the slut I am, every time I complained about emotional pain from loving a man who didn’t love me and choose me.  Mostly what I realized was something sad.  Pleasing others is how I get a sense of self-worth, and that was

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Categories
smut

direct request

“I need something different,” I told my spouse.  “Something very different.  So I’m going to write down my direct request.” He was in the mood to please me, even more than usual. “Ok, sounds great,” he said. a mood I had been experiencing intense grief.  I was in a mood, and I needed sexual pleasure

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