Categories
theory

family

My friend was curious about what I mean by family.  She’d heard me talk about the man I loved, who my spouse and I invited into our family.  She didn’t understand what that meant.  Maybe I seemed formal about it.  How was that different from being close, close friends? Yes, it might be confusing, how

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theory

what family is

I was thinking about what family is, lying in bed crying, half asleep.  If I’d sucked the dick of my friend, would I have mattered to him then?  If he came down my throat, would he have loved me then? No, of course not.  But my half-asleep mind was trying to make it work.  Like

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theory

Mexican guys drinking beer

I had not been around Mexican guys drinking beer in a long time.  That’s my family, the family I don’t see anymore, since my mom died. The Mexican guys drinking beer got my feelings swirled around.  My instinct was to stay as close to my spouse as possible and pretend I didn’t understand what they

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theory

joker

“I never loved someone like that.  I never loved the joker.”  My spouse and I were lying in bed, and I was talking about the man I loved who came and went, the painful house guest.  Thinking of that small sound he made, the “uh, uh” in a rap song.  I was crying about what

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unsent letter

the real you

I always felt like the real you was deep inside you, so precious and beautiful and good.  I believed in that one. But I think I was mostly making that you up.  Maybe there are many of you.  That’s what you told me.  But I don’t want to talk to this one, in these three

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unsent letter

genie

Again I was lying in bed, trying to sleep.  My mind was roaming around a lil bit, over the hills of the past.  I remembered that time we were pretending you were a genie.  Do you remember that? I can’t recall why we were pretending that.  Maybe because I said you looked like a genie

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ritual theory

my dad

I wanted to have a ritual to talk to my dad, who died almost five years ago, of an overdose.  He was a white guy, and at least some of my problems with white guys come from abuse from him.  White guys I love have way too much power over me, especially when I want

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unsent letter

weed

high I hope it’s ok to send you this art which I bought for you, a few weeks ago.  I don’t know what else to do with it.  Seems appropriate to send, in a way, since weed is what you choose instead of me. Weed symbolizes irresponsibility, to me.  I have a friend who smokes

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theory

touch addict

A whiff of laundry detergent in the airbnb bedroom made me think of my ex.  The one who read to me and was abusive.  I felt unsafe and almost dizzy with uncertainty, to smell it. There are many memories I can have, about him.  But my mind went to a memory about youth.  He used

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Categories
theory

name of God

dear Name of God, I know that language is a gesture.  That “the finger pointing at the moon is not the moon.”  The moon is the moon.  And I know the word “moon” is not the moon.  I know some stuff about that, probably. God is Mystery, unspeakably, powerfully incomprehensible.  The name of God is

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