Categories
family

my dad’s suicide

My dad’s suicide has been fucking me in the head lately.  I’ve been thinking about death way too much.  His death–my eventual death.  My mom’s death.  My spouse’s eventual death.  I’m terrified. It makes me panic in the night, which interferes with my sleep, so then I panic more.  I hate all that. grief spiral

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Categories
poem

sapphire

I wrote this poem “sapphire” about choosing to live by making a promise about what to prioritize, saying no to love that would destroy me.  I choose to survive. sapphire I got your message that you’re sober and back in Ohio with your family. I wanted to be your family. You lied to me. You

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Categories
theory

dissociating

I realized that wanting someone sexually is my favorite way to dissociate.  Dissociating is a way to take a break from reality.  Mostly because of anxiety and overwhelm, I need those breaks a lot.  Dissociating is one of my favorite coping strategies.  I talk about it in this post about driving. how it feels This

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Categories
theory

avoidance, violence, intimacy

I was in love with a man–he was avoidant.  I saw him in a domestic violence cycle with his long term partner.  It was avoidance, violence, intimacy. avoidance, violence, intimacy He would promise her a thing–then he wouldn’t follow through, which enraged her.  I think she read his lack of follow-though as proof that he

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Categories
theory

voice

This morning I was hearing voices more than usual as I was trying to sleep.  I’m a voice hearer all my life–it’s part of what disables me.  They were loud, but not angry or screamy.  Yes, I’ve been a little too up lately, so it makes sense to have extra voices. I heard a voice

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Categories
smut theory

girlfriend

“If I suck your dick good enough, can I be your girlfriend?” I asked. “Yes,” my spouse said. “Can I be your girlfriend now?” I asked. “Yes,” he said.  “You are my girlfriend.” I slurped at his dick.  He was enjoying my tongue rubbing the underside as I sucked.  Then I swallow it. daily Lately

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Categories
theory

family

My friend was curious about what I mean by family.  She’d heard me talk about the man I loved, who my spouse and I invited into our family.  She didn’t understand what that meant.  Maybe I seemed formal about it.  How was that different from being close, close friends? Yes, it might be confusing, how

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Categories
theory

what family is

I was thinking about what family is, lying in bed crying, half asleep.  If I’d sucked the dick of my friend, would I have mattered to him then?  If he came down my throat, would he have loved me then? No, of course not.  But my half-asleep mind was trying to make it work.  Like

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Categories
theory

Mexican guys drinking beer

I had not been around Mexican guys drinking beer in a long time.  That’s my family, the family I don’t see anymore, since my mom died. The Mexican guys drinking beer got my feelings swirled around.  My instinct was to stay as close to my spouse as possible and pretend I didn’t understand what they

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Categories
theory

joker

“I never loved someone like that.  I never loved the joker.”  My spouse and I were lying in bed, and I was talking about the man I loved who came and went, the painful house guest.  Thinking of that small sound he made, the “uh, uh” in a rap song.  I was crying about what

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