I have a pocket of feelings I don’t enjoy. I visit them in an addictive way. Usually I skim the surface, but today my spouse was pulling cash from an ATM, and I was sitting alone in the car. I started talking to myself, or talking to the one I love who I should not
My addictions are mine and comfortable. I wish I didn’t have them, but they’re part of me. They’re like my disabilities– I know what to do. My addictions are like soft, frayed blankets, easy to fall into. I’m not proud of them, but I’m used to them. I know how they smell. my addictions Long
I want more trans sex, which is strange because I think of myself as demisexual. My sexual desires arrive after I know someone and love them. Once I feel safe my cunt perks up, and I get very loyal and attached. Sexual desire doesn’t lead. But here I am, sifting into my being the trans
My dad’s suicide has been fucking me in the head lately. I’ve been thinking about death way too much. His death–my eventual death. My mom’s death. My spouse’s eventual death. I’m terrified. It makes me panic in the night, which interferes with my sleep, so then I panic more. I hate all that. grief spiral
I wrote this poem “sapphire” about choosing to live by making a promise about what to prioritize, saying no to love that would destroy me. I choose to survive. sapphire I got your message that you’re sober and back in Ohio with your family. I wanted to be your family. You lied to me. You
I realized that wanting someone sexually is my favorite way to dissociate. Dissociating is a way to take a break from reality. Mostly because of anxiety and overwhelm, I need those breaks a lot. Dissociating is one of my favorite coping strategies. I talk about it in this post about driving. how it feels This
I was in love with a man–he was avoidant. I saw him in a domestic violence cycle with his long term partner. It was avoidance, violence, intimacy. avoidance, violence, intimacy He would promise her a thing–then he wouldn’t follow through, which enraged her. I think she read his lack of follow-though as proof that he
This morning I was hearing voices more than usual as I was trying to sleep. I’m a voice hearer all my life–it’s part of what disables me. They were loud, but not angry or screamy. Yes, I’ve been a little too up lately, so it makes sense to have extra voices. I heard a voice
“If I suck your dick good enough, can I be your girlfriend?” I asked. “Yes,” my spouse said. “Can I be your girlfriend now?” I asked. “Yes,” he said. “You are my girlfriend.” I slurped at his dick. He was enjoying my tongue rubbing the underside as I sucked. Then I swallow it. daily Lately
My friend was curious about what I mean by family. She’d heard me talk about the man I loved, who my spouse and I invited into our family. She didn’t understand what that meant. Maybe I seemed formal about it. How was that different from being close, close friends? Yes, it might be confusing, how