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ritual theory

flower bits

I was looking through my magic bag–I took out all of the materials.  Two rings are sewed in.  There’s a special smooth rock I love with inclusions, a small rock from the grave place of my ancestors, two other small significant rocks pertaining to my mom and the health of my blood.  Sadly I looked

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theory

jealousy

There’s one word– jealousy–but it can feel very different for me, like there should be multiple words. sad, scared jealousy Sad, scared jealousy makes me want comfort.  It makes me want a hug, and to be told I’m loved and special.  Rationally I know I’m probably ok, but my body is having a hard time

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theory

socks

“Look at my socks, and then how my shirt matches my socks.  What do you think?” He looked at my socks, and I felt appreciated. “It’s great,” my spouse said. “Do you want to mate with me now?” I asked.  “Have I proven I’m good enough for you?” “Yes,” my spouse said. “Yay!” I said,

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theory

used purple underwear

I was in a bathroom, going pee, looking down at my underwear.  They are probably my favorite–purple–and they have some holes.  I suddenly realized: wow, these things are beat.  Very used purple underwear.  They’re faded in the part where a little pee gets on them, pee-bleached.  I’m guessing it’s been ten years, I’ve been wearing

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theory

homeless

“Can you turn here and drive back toward that gas station?” I asked my spouse.  He turned right and did as I asked.  “I saw someone homeless who looked like ______,” I said. “That person?” my spouse asked, pointing to a stranger. “No, that person,” I said.  Same tall, thin frame, pale skin, long blond

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theory

what a slut is

There’s “slut” in the current one-phrase description of this blog.  I’m a shimmering disabled oxytocin slut, luminous and kind.  Lately I’ve been thinking about what a slut is. When the man I loved came here to visit me, he used me, and I’m still recovering.  He had sexual contact with me, gave me zero aftercare,

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review theory

sex toy

“Hey, look at this. It’s a sex toy made for disabled people,” I told my spouse. He seemed interested and looked at my screen as we hugged.  Long ago he worked as a personal care attendant.  He’s disabled–I’m disabled.  His ex is disabled, and lots of our friends, in various ways. The sex toy is

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theory

bonding cues

My intro on facebook lately is “processing bonding cues creatively while Rome burns.”  It came about when I was looking at something about autism online, months ago.  The term “bonding cues” really stood out to me. Yes, the things people do to indicate closeness or distance, privately and in a group–thrilling.  I love bonding cues. 

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theory

hair

“Wait a second,” my spouse said.  We were naked in bed.  “I have a hair caught.” He reached down to his package to move around some bodily materials. “You have a pubic hair stuck in a crease of your parts?” I asked. “Yeah,” he said.  “It’s better now.” pet “Your bush is huge right now!”

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theory

what I learned

I was looking through my old journal as I got ready to transition to a new journal.  I found this list of reasons not to be close to the man I loved.  Amazing, what I’ve learned.  “Wait, when did I write this?” I wondered. The part that surprised me the most was the quiet “he

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