my addictions

My addictions are mine and comfortable. I wish I didn’t have them, but they’re part of me. They’re like my disabilities– I know what to do.

My addictions are like soft, frayed blankets, easy to fall into. I’m not proud of them, but I’m used to them. I know how they smell.

Long ago I was addicted to cigarettes. I started smoking the summer I was 16, and I quit smoking during grad school when I was 24. It was spring break, and I was on the floor, shaking.

To simplify, I started smoking for friendship and kept smoking for anxiety. It’s a classic schizophrenia coping strategy, a way to regulate and measure out time.

Then anxiety is how I quit; I was afraid of dropping dead from heart issues, which run in my family. It’s been 25 years, and I haven’t smoked since.

psych meds

I was addicted to psych meds– they were hard to get on, a whole terrible process of failure around my first “full blown manic episode.” I was afraid of the medications, but believed the hype that I didn’t have a choice: I was a danger to myself and others.

(Over time I realized the biggest danger was the world to me, my family of origin to me, capitalism to me…)

Eleven years later, the psych meds were hell to quit. I weaned myself off each medication one by one. It’s a cliche scary thing to do: “Look out! Nest went off their meds!” With no help from a medical professional… My adult psychiatric nurse was not supportive.

Of course I needed to see who I was, without that weird fake safety net of pharmaceutical sedation. Turns out I like myself way better unstable. The psych meds were a layer of gauze between me and the world. I need the world direct.

Sedated, I’m passive, quiet, and easier. Unmedicated, I’m difficult, creative, and intensely emotional. I make art and write more. I’m eager to learn, try things, and engage the world. I’m crazy; I make mistakes.

Would you prefer me easier? When my spouse and I have had times of abundant conflict, I’ve offered to go back on psych meds to save our relationship. My spouse assures me that they’re far away from needing drastic measures.

What’s a reasonable amount of struggle to put up with?

content warning: domestic violence

Domestic violence is the family style I grew up in, and my ACE score is 9. I have no idea what a reasonable amount of struggle is. Domestic violence is the only one of my addictions that I’m in active danger of. When I’m in a painful, dramatic relationship, I can slip into a domestic violence cycle.

There’s something wrong with me in how I express critical emotions, and how harsh I feel when I’ve been betrayed. Conflict in relationship is not a neutral, reasonable place. It’s a place of panic and rage.

It’s a stark, blood-stained, someone’s-going-to-call-the-cops kind of place. Even with no physical attacks or destruction of property, something inside me is twisted. The cycle of domestic violence comes naturally to me, my first language.

In order to avoid that, I need to pay attention and take good care of myself. I do my best to maintain my emotional / spiritual resources and choose kindness and perspective. I ask for help, talk about it with friends and in therapy, and heal in all sorts of ways, like journey and ritual.

harm reduction

Yes, I do harm reduction to avoid slipping into addiction. Harm reduction is what I do all day.

writing
cooking
checkins with my daily people
radical mental health
stimming
dance
energy work
prayer
sex
kink
travel
sunshine
nature
rest / downtime
letting myself sleep on a weird schedule

Done to excess, some of those can become a problem, but they are way less likely to derail my life.

content warning: mention of physical self-harm and suicide

A few more things I’m not sure are actual addictions. But there’s sugar, which is a drug I can use a little bit.

Classic physical self-harm is always an option. I like physical self-harm as a harm reduction, especially for suicidal feelings.

I guess “suicidal ideation” could be seen as an addiction. This is where I get confused about what’s harm and what’s harm reduction. I haven’t killed myself yet, so something’s working.

Also if not leaving my home for a long time is addiction to hiding, I’ve been addicted to hiding. A word for that is agoraphobia. It’s easy to get stuck indoors.

questions for discussion

Probably that’s enough about my addictions. Here are some questions for discussion.

What are your addictions?
Are your addictions part of you, or separate?
In times of increased stress, are your addictions harder to resist?
What’s your harm reduction?
Are you ashamed of your addictions?
What do you do to hide or deny them?
Who would you be without them?
What am I supposed to do with the parts of myself that the people who love me don’t want to engage?

apology

I’m sorry, everyone I’ve hurt with my addictions. I’m trying to do better. Thank you for sticking with me for the long haul.