I love someone, and we have chemistry. But if there’s anything I’ve learned this past year, it’s that I need to be particular. My life is derailed if I have sex with someone who’s not consistent and emotionally available. So I’ve been thinking about how not to have sex with someone– ideas for a more stable life, when sex would not actually be what’s best for me.
safety
It’s important for me to protect my well-being. It’s no joke–my stability is my health. When I get too upset, I stop sleeping, and I lose my mind. Then I can’t be there for myself or my family– I can’t do my life’s work.
It’s not ok for me to mangle my life. So the conclusion is, not matter how much my body says yes, I can’t have sex with my friend.
I brainstormed a list of how not to have sex with someone. Making this list, I asked my spouse for help. Not all of these are great ideas. But I share in case I want to look back later. Or in case you find yourself in a similar situation, reader, and could use some ideas.
how not to have sex with someone
- visualize the life I want to live, that having sex with her would make impossible
- show up to visit not horny– have sex beforehand
- have the conversation– don’t let sex just happen
- state “I don’t want to hate you later when my needs aren’t met”
- be clear that our needs don’t go together, in a neutral way
- distraction
- meet in public, not being alone
- vow
- ask angels / loving entities for help
- have a goal to the visit
- be clear about consent
- do therapeutic work on consent
- ask her for help with my patterns
- ask what sex is, for her– be curious
- get energy work for good boundaries
- talisman or charm
- prayer
- short visit– bookend
- be unromantic
- don’t flirt
- cite nesting partner often, imply distance
- breathe and smile
- don’t see her
- see her less
best options
I don’t want to stop seeing her. Thank goodness the relationship is constantly in flux. These days I think she’s not that into me. Definitely the timing isn’t right.
It’s ok because we weren’t in a place to have a big, skilled, balanced, collaborative relationship. And I know myself well enough to know that I can’t mix sex into friendship and have that go well. I am not a casual person. I am so fucking un-casual.
Sex is where I keep my deepest trauma, as well as my greatest transcendent pleasure. Sex is where I keep religion. No one should go there with me unless they’re ready to do something huge. And who’s ready to patiently show up for another human being, in all my mess and big feelings? Who enjoys that?
fair
How not to have sex with someone is as important as how to have sex. I strive to be fair and compassionate. It’s not fair to anyone for me to have sex when I’m not ready to. The other person is not ready for me to hand part of my soul over, like a steamy tamal.
Yes, my soul tamales. So warm and tasty. But only for people who actually want that kind of love.
