“Can I give you some feedback on the sex we had today?” I asked my spouse.
“Sure!” they said.
My spouse loves feedback, which is special. I’m often cautious about feedback; most people are.
But my spouse wants to do well and has a strong sense of self. They’re not afraid of what others think: Criticism doesn’t scare them.
sex
“Well, you know how there’s what we’re really doing, and what we’re pretend-doing? And what I really want, vs what I pretend-want? In real life, I belong to only me. But I wanted you to tell me, ‘You’re my bitch today,'” I said. “But the emphasis was on being your bitch, like I belong to you.”
“Oh, ok,” my spouse said.
“Also, I was in a lot of pain. And I was having trouble breathing for part of it,” I said.
“Oh, crap,” my spouse said.
“Yeah, I would have said something if it had been too much. But it was getting there, and…. I just want you to know, if I seemed less responsive, that’s why.”
“Ok, well thank you for telling me,” my spouse said.
love
I love you, and that means I want you to be happy. Your well-being is partly shared with mine. Communication including feedback is important so we can keep getting what we need together. Thank you for risking conflict to do intimacy and stay real.
Even if my spouse completely forgets what we talked about, so the next time we’re starting from square one, the act of giving and receiving feedback is caring. I feel heard when my spouse listens to me.
An exchange of feedback means I walk away from the scene feeling resolved. I like feedback as part of aftercare.
questions for discussion
- Are you good at giving feedback?
- Are you good at receiving it?
- How important is it to you, to be responsive during sex?
- After sex?
- In general?
- When you’re having sex, are you mostly in this world?
- How much are you in your imagination?
- How much are you journeying somewhere else entirely?
- What’s your favorite part of aftercare today?
stability
I wish more people were unafraid of feedback. If more of us had the emotional skills and stability to show up for another person, what a happier world this would be.
How did my spouse get those skills? Not in their family of origin. Their ACE score is bad. They were neglected in a criminal way.
As an adult, they’ve gained so much experience and insight from
- therapy
- personal growth workshops
- living in community
- caring friendships
- experience in multiple families over the years
I want to take some credit myself. Being connected for 14 years in loving collaboration has changed us both. Our relationship is evolving and so alive.
We’re gentle with each other, so it’s a cozy place for feedback. Choosing kindness has important results.
