“You’re safe,” my spouse said. They stopped hitting me. It was a shorter sentence than I had requested.
My spouse knows what I want– I want to be safe more than anything. They go to the root.
collar
We were in bed in the afternoon. I’d asked my spouse to collar me while hitting me. I knew they might be collaring me for the last time.
Not that our relationship is going anywhere, but as I continue to gender transition, I feel more top and more dominating. I don’t know if I want to submit anymore. In fact it’s been so long that my collar was hard to find. When they finally extracted it from other bedside materials, a spider web clung to the black parachute cord.
There’s something bittersweet about the change. I lose part of myself in order to find something I need that’s more authentic. That’s the work of growth. I’m ready to shed my skin and wiggle free, a new being.
But I’m nostalgic about subbing: what a sweet discovery 13 years ago. Doing kink at all was hard-won. I went from extraordinarily repressed for 35 years, to reenacting early sexual trauma for healing, including gore and intense violation– sick things no one should ever know about.
I went places that many people don’t allow themselves. From repression to something like whoredom, a shocking kink cliche.
It was a strong feeling like quitting smoking, más fuerte. If I can do this, I can do anything.
sentence
“Tell me I belong to you,” I said. “Tell me no matter who I go off to fuck, I’m your bitch.”
My spouse has a language learning disability; some days are better than others. But parsing sentences is difficult, and repeating them is sometimes impossible.
“You’re safe,” they said.
True, that’s the condensed version. I always want to be their bitch. I need to be free to try things out, take risks, love in new ways, then come home.
subbing
I like subbing because it’s relaxing. Losing my language is a treat, to slip out of regular life and put myself into the hands of someone I trust. It’s thrilling to be so powerful and hand over my power. The tension between the real and the pretend is overwhelming like I will pass out.
What are you looking for when you hand your body over to another person? I enjoy sex for so many reasons, but kink is like baring my neck to the Jaguar. You are free to kill me– will you kill me, or will you let me live?
If I live, the gratitude fills my body, and nothing can scare me after that.
Or that’s not true– many things still scare me, but I have new reserves to tap into when I need them. I can do it scared. Scared is the way I do almost anything.
2 replies on “you’re safe”
Thank you for another wonderfully written piece. It makes me think a lot – early on, the part about the collar was where I felt a lot of duality expressed. My own changes in trans sexuality feel more physical, though, but there were things to give up.
I’ve been told I can top from the bottom. I’m not sure what that means. I do change from Dom to sub when my libido demands. Is changing from sub to Dom as gender demands similar, or different?
See? Much to think about.
thank you for caring what I write. I’m glad for those of us who can switch roles. the people who can only do one thing seem more limited. blessings to your work. thank you for being a role model to me for many many years.