Velvet Fox Miracle

“There are many ways I could sit on your lap,” Velvet said.

I was relaxing on the chair, which has no arms and is wide and slick like leather or pretend leather. The chair was holding my back and huge ass, low to the floor.

We had just done ritual, asking our guides to collaborate on helping us have the relationship we need and that’s best for the world. I liked singing to Velvet. I liked us blessing each other’s bodies with the well water, to clear old unwanted residues, ready to receive new love.

Especially I liked blessing their hands, and when they blessed my cunt–so bold. I’d been too afraid to ask to touch their jennies and touched to the side, on their hip.

Then we talked about the tarot card reading, which was overwhelmingly positive. Yes, I will live with you one day in a ten of cups way. Fuck yeah, I will three of pentacles with you always. Absolutely, I will king of cups as long as you want me.

“You are welcome to me,” I said.

Or maybe I said, “I am available to you.”

I was imagining Velvet sitting on my lap, facing me, straddling me. That was exactly what I wanted, and exactly what I got.

garden

It was almost time for me to leave. Earlier that afternoon, we had sunned on a patio and talked about favorite biomes, social needs, community. I didn’t know they would snuggle me. I was joyful to receive animal comfort like the dog I am.

Then we walked through gardens. I saw the dahlias, radish flowers, carpets of thyme. Blooming dill, goji berries, squash plants including what I think of as kabocha.

I smelled clary sage and considered battering and frying its leaves. The wallpaper on my phone for months was a huge dramatic flower stalk of clary sage. I took that picture in my good friend’s front yard in spring. So it was special to see similar stalks in their last hurrah.

I ate delicious fall figs. They were burgundy-purple outside and garnet inside. Was it ok, to feel this happy?

There was a bittersweet Knowing that the frost will come soon and transform the garden toward darkness. But for now, little birds were pulling seeds from the sunflowers. They seemed excited.

new

Our five minutes of rest to say goodbye, my lover Velvet did sit on my lap and face me, their legs spread around my legs. And they held me– they kissed my neck. My hands were on their body, sliding from their thighs to their hips.

They gave me clear permission to feel how it felt, being close to them. My sexual desire was welcome. I was allowed to make a sound–allowed to gasp. My breathing could change. I was allowed to feel everything.

I’m crying about the kindness of that permission, after previous chaste cuddles in my bed, our first overnight visit which we had declared No Sex.

Also I’m crying about how they had unbuckled one side of their overalls to pull their shirt down on one shoulder so I could bite there directly. Biting their soft, pale skin. Holy god, my mouth had been invited there. My lips and teeth had been wanted.

five minutes of rest

My body was surging with hormones. Blood was rushing to my cunt, my heart was pounding, and I was working to stay in the actual world rather than flickering into a dimension of light.

That doesn’t sound restful. But it’s restful to get what I want because my spirit stops searching and can sink into the moment of bliss, finally still.

Normally my spirit is going around like that guy with the lamp, looking for one good person. My spirit is striving for a place I can show up as my whole self.

Who will want me, so crazy and fat and in process, trans-ing, illegible to most? So ripe and ready to be tasted?

Velvet welcomes me in a new way. Our unique beings come together in creative curiosity, and it feels different from anything I’ve ever done.

beaming

In an attempt to stay in shared reality, I would feel the waves of overwhelming pleasure hit me, then look up as Velvet pulled away. Were they resting? Were they just happy to see me feel and want?

I had never seen someone smile like that during a sexy time. They were regarding me and beaming.

The smile reminded me of an enlightened saint who I saw in the backseat of a car, being delivered to a function. She looked out the window of the car like reality was a gorgeous fractal of meaning, unfolding, unfolding. The saint was beaming as God shined out of her.

Velvet was similar, only the God was pointed at me specifically. How in the world did I find myself in this extraordinarily fortunate position?

kiss

“How would you feel if I kissed you?” Velvet asked.

I think I just answered yes, my body thrumming with 100% yes.

Here are our mouths that never were pressed together, and then our mouths are pressed together. Here is the tongue of someone I love, someone I have wanted since spring, finally slipped into my body.

A kiss can be a blessing, a symbol or token, an animal act of desire, an instinct, an impulse. This kiss felt like the delivery of a meaningful long-held intention. Or the first step toward the possibility of new happiness.

overwhelm

My body accepted the kiss as a kindness– the frosting on my sexual emotional overwhelm cake. I was the bliss-saturated altered state bitch slut whore, blown out with 11/10 white light filling my body: ecstatic flooded bliss.

I didn’t know I could feel so wanted. It kicks me into the compulsion to thank.

Thank you to Mother God for putting me on earth. Thank you to Parent Earth for my transqueer survival. Big thanks to the entities and deities that have kept me alive all these years.

Thank you to my spouse and chosen family who help me have a good life to take risks in. You do so much.

Thank you to Velvet for seeing me. Thank you for planting seeds with me in this black rich soil we’ve been preparing our whole lives. When you took off your leather jacket and put on the soft fuzzy one, when you accepted my sounds, when you smiled at me.