trans sex

I’ve had a ton of queer sex, including intense gender-y experiences.  I remember the first time I ever went down on my spouse’s ass and all I learned doing that: so tender.  I felt like a gay man, which isn’t what I expected.  But recently I had very trans sex for the first time, and I feel like a new person.

home

“Trans sex is like… cognitive dissonance,” I explained to my spouse.  “But if cognitive dissonance was the most pleasurable sensation in the world.”

Yes, the tension between my lover’s beard and clit is amazing.  It made me hum at a new golden frequency.  I got attuned to his gender / agender to the point that I was afraid I would never enjoy any other gender / agender but his.  I trained on his body as my sexual home.

I learned new ways to cum, and I can bring that knowledge with me wherever I go. The first time we had sex, I made him cum by licking his thumb, which I didn’t know was possible. Later I learned new locations of orgasm such as my nipples, a spot beside his armpit, his lower back right above his ass crack, my knees, my ears. We had sex with our entire bodies, and I’ll never give that up as my standard.

It was easy to focus on his tremendous bush, delicate hips, small white hands, top surgery scars, luscious mouth, and wet hole.  So easy to dwell there in deep desire, to sink into the reality of his cunt and let part of me live there, so in love with his body, spirit, and entire being.

For a few months, I was his lover. For a short time, I was his boyfriend. That fact is mine to ponder as long as I like, although he is no longer mine in any way.

breakup

It happened–it’s over now.  I’m going through my two weeks of withdrawal and grief.  As my lover’s spirit leaves my spirit body, he becomes more past than present; I gather perspective.  I understand now how love-drunk I was, making silly choices. I worked so hard to tetris my inner life in order to keep him. It was hell trying to be ok with lack of balance that sucked the energy out of me, and ok with abandonment that derailed me with panic.

Driving to a community event I was facilitating after asking for my lover’s help and not receiving any, I started to scream in my car. I realized I was upset far beyond an ok range of upset. Thank you to my body for letting me know.

As I endure the hell of loss, I’m arriving at new understandings every day. Throughout the relationship I over-gave in hopes I would be worthy of the aftercare, attention, and love I needed.  I’ve never had anyone treat me like that, pulling away so far after sex and justifying his absence as a righteous health need.  The rules he made about when I could and couldn’t bring up conflict made communication more difficult to impossible. So many conversations never happened.

He never agreed to let me write about the sex we had–I asked.  It was a question like so many others that we never came back to, because it was my responsibility to make conversations happen. Yes, the way the planning, scheduling, and food became my responsibility also.

My life is mine again, pulled apart from his life, and I need to talk about my own experiences.

trans sex

Nothing can take away what I experienced. I was initiated into Trans Mysteries which I’ll be grateful for all my life. I didn’t know if I would ever experience these things I needed. I entered the temple and was blessed to receive physical knowledge, like my head being anointed with sacred oil.

Nothing could have prepared me for my first time using a strap. I had worn it by myself, touching myself, thrilled to have the dick in my hand that was pretend but mine, what I had always wanted.

But to penetrate my lover’s cunt and repeatedly slam my body into his was a bliss I couldn’t have predicted. I was afraid to begin and got triple consent. So many times I had kissed his mouth in love and in desire. But to kiss his mouth as I lay upon him, thrusting myself inside of him, was the hottest experience of my life.

I’m sorry, every other person I have ever had sex with. This was the hottest experience of my life because I was finally doing what I needed to do, having the trans sex I had dreamed of for 37 years, since I was a kid. I was finally living my gender.

gender

What is my gender? It scared me thinking maybe I’m a man. It scared me because I wondered if I needed to transition more. Was it necessary now to go on testosterone, find a new voice, say goodbye to my breasts, and man up? It wasn’t just pleasure or thrill– fucking my lover with a strap felt like Why I’m On Earth.

I was scared it meant things were toast with my spouse, and I would lose my home.  I was afraid of destroying my life based on what I’d just experienced and learned.

Rather than feeling support around that, I felt very alone as my lover slept on the kitchen floor despite me begging him to sleep beside me. He had a panic attack sitting on the ground near his van, threw rocks, and acted like a three year old under a maple tree at midnight. What a night.

Not sure how much detail my friends are open to hearing about the sexy parts. I can tell my spouse anything, but otherwise I’ve been holding this alone.  Where am I supposed to go for support? I talked to my therapist about the breakup, but I haven’t talked to anyone about the gender.

Soon after I lost him– we had sex the next morning, and broke up two days later. I can’t shake up my entire life and spit myself out, not knowing if I’ll even hear from my lover the next day. If anyone ever again wants me back, I’ll make sure they’re interested in meeting the minimum safety needs of another person.

Definitely he is a casual sex person. I’ve never had a casual relationship with a person, place, or thing in my entire life.

enby

Meanwhile, who am I? Some dust has settled, and I’m pretty sure I’m not a man. My breasts are still welcome, and I don’t wanna rearrange the fat on my body or change my voice. I guess I’m just enby… enby-er?  There are so many ways to be autistic, and so many ways to be enby. I’m the kind who needs to use a strap.

Just because something is extraordinarily hot doesn’t mean it’s happy or sustainable. I hope one day I can have a t4t lover who I can be close to for a long, long time.

As for my spouse, old dogs can learn new tricks, especially old dogs who are generous, big hearted, and signed up to love. I’m not going to lose my home. I need to transform myself somehow, and it’s fall now.  I’m ready.