blister

“I have a little bump inside my mouth, like a blister.  Like a nursing blister,” I told my spouse.

I thought about friction and tender tissues.  “Maybe I sucked your dick too much,” I continued.

“No, you didn’t suck my dick too much,” my spouse said.

Then we laughed and laughed.

nursing blister

I’ve never had a baby or carried a passenger that I know of.  But there was a time I researched birth a lot.  I was charmed by midwives, home births, and being real about what bodies feel and do.

Yes, I read books about midwives and birth stories, hippies in a birthing bus, before I ever lived in community.  I was fascinated and tired to imagine myself in these situations, with children of my own.

It was a health thing.  At the same time I was dreaming about foster parenting.  I dreamed of having many kids, doing good work giving homes to vulnerable small people.  I was in my 20s at a fork in the road.  So many options were available to me; I enjoyed considering who I could become.

When I was in my 20s I still hated myself.  But parts of me were waking up to my power and realizing I wasn’t bound by abled, standard narratives.  My failure meant I could do whatever I want.  I realized I’m free.

healing

Ok, let’s pop back to modern life.

The next day the blister-like owie was healed, like it never even happened.  I’m fascinated by all the ways my disabled body fails, and equally fascinated when it actually works as I would like it to.  Wound healing is one of my favorites.

I remember when I was a teenager and went to church, I believed a small scratch or cut on my hand healed faster.  As if a Christian God was blessing me for keeping spiritual company.  At the time I was trying to make myself fit into Christianity.  Now I live in a much bigger world with choices that make sense for me.

I considered whether the blister was a HSV thing.  I haven’t had a cold sore since I was a child, but of course HSV is lifelong.  But it didn’t progress and was gone in one day.

going down

In a way it’s nice no one has liked me back in a sexual romantic way in a long time.  I can be with my spouse and share germs without fear.  My broken hearts aside.

My spouse loves their dick sucked more than just about anything, and I feel close to them.

questions for discussion

How much is enough?

How do you like to show love to the people you most love?

What helps you feel close to someone?

Do you know if you have HSV?

How disturbed do you feel by a blister?

Is safer sex hard for you to maintain?

How do you comfort yourself when your heart is broken?