Dear one, Yesterday I was telling you, I want to go down on our mutual friendly acquaintance / acquaintancely friend. They’d mentioned that they weren’t going to the May Day event to work, but to get laid.
“I’m not going to DJ unless someone is sucking my dick while I’m DJing,” they said.
Surprised, I laughed. We were downtown and they were driving my car, as you know I prefer other people to drive.
That snippet of conversation gave me the fantasy of a signup list. Several of us could sign up to suck the dick of this friend as they DJ, and I would take the first time slot.
Definitely I have a thing for DJs. I’m grateful to dance. Maybe this sex act would close a loop or fulfill a forgotten prophecy.
PPE
That set me to dreaming about knee pads, since our friend DJs sitting down–you are correct. So I would need gear. A squishy mat, and do they even make knee pads for my weight?
Thank you for your advice about PPE. I need to be responsible with health. I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve never gone down on someone who was wearing a condom. I appreciated your suggestion of trying it out before I need to.
It’s an exciting idea, to try something new.
“Did you ask them?” you asked.
I told you I would need to run it by my spouse to get their buy in. It’s a big deal.
conversation
So this morning I brought up the idea with my spouse for reals, after some joking mentions this past week. Sadly, my spouse gave resistance.
The conversation began when I asked my spouse if I could go down on them with a condom, to try it out.
“Would it hurt your feelings if I was practicing for this other person I want to go down on?” I asked.
“I don’t think so,” my spouse said.
“What does that mean, you don’t think so?” I asked.
“I don’t think it would hurt my feelings,” they said.
“Does that mean it would hurt your feelings?” I asked.
“I’m just not sure it’s a good idea,” my spouse said.
“Oh, ok!” I said. They were feeling reservation about the overall project, not the condom-ed blow. “Are you jealous?”
“No, I don’t think so,” my spouse said.
stupid fantasy
I like that the sex act would be limited and at a specific place. Usually when I have a crush, its an all-consuming, spiritual longing. It’s strange for me to want only two things with a person. The two things are cuddle and this specific instance of sucking their dick.
True that I’ve also daydreamed about asking for a practice session of sucking their dick. Yes, if we did it once before the DJ time, they could have a preview and know what they were looking forward to.
I guess this is how relationships form, from initial casual sex. Always I do relationship from the other direction, of loving someone first, craving the sex for months usually before anything sexy happens.
The casual sex direction seems more organic in a way, to get laid first, then see what’s possible. Less energy wasted pining for impossible things.
But is the energy wasted, when I’ve pined for someone I adore? Intense desire can feel like agony, but also something to live for. I’ve spent much of my life feeling alone and undersupported. It’s important to have something to live for. A stupid fantasy has kept me alive.
lists
Ok, back to the bed conversation scenario with my spouse. Ours pros list for me sucking our friend’s dick was like this.
- try something new
- see if I can become capable of casual sex
- for fun
- to learn something
- maybe we would do well to build connection
I’ve pulled 3 of pentacles about this person, and I’ve had some kind of crush since I met them last July. Oh yeah, also…
- shared friend group feels safer
I like the pros list! What do you think?
But the cons list is pretty bad.
- I won’t receive aftercare
- I will get my heart broken or at least my feelings seriously hurt
- the friend isn’t too intent on seeing me / not that into me
- I barely know them
- the very nature of sucking their dick while they’re doing something else is a service thing like I don’t matter
- my spouse will have to take care of me as I suffer afterward
Well, yes. All that’s probably true. My spouse has been called upon countless times to care for me as I lose my shit over someone who doesn’t really give a fuck about me but just wanted to get laid, when I cared way too much. You know me–I care a lot.
questions
“Ok, but can you imagine a better scenario for me to try casual sex?” I asked. “Not like I would do better to find someone random on a dating app to try casual sex with. That sounds dangerous. At least this person, we know so many shared people.”
“I’m not saying there’s a better way,” my spouse said. “Maybe you should.”
I felt frustrated, but a need can be met many ways.
“We think about things. We can see far out what’s going to happen,” my spouse added.
“You’re right,” I said.
“Is it really worth the emotional risk and STI risk?” my spouse asked.
I thought about condoms, mucous membranes, what could be passed one of us to the other, how the mouth may or may not contact the balls and other areas not covered by a condom, feelings.
“If you think it’s a bad idea, then let’s think of some other pleasure I should try,” I said.
I thought of blueberries, a retreat, a decadent project like some kind of kink I’ve never done before.
new idea
“What if we both sucked their dick?” my spouse offered.
“Wow!” I said. “Yeah! We could tag team them. It might take a long time, with a condom especially. When one of us gets tired, the other can take over.”
“Yeah, maybe,” my spouse said.
“Would you like that?” I asked.
“I think I would,” my spouse said. “And it would help you.”
“Yeah!” I said.
new new idea
“Or what if I sucked their dick?” my spouse asked.
“Wow–just you?” I asked.
“Yeah,” they said.
“Oh, so I could stand up and engage them with my breasts and hold them while you suck their dick?” I asked.
“Yeah,” my spouse said.
“Wow,” I said. “Sounds really good. Would you like that?”
“I think so,” my spouse said.
“Well. You are amazing at going down on me, and what is a dick but an overgrown clit, right?” I asked.
We pondered biology.
“And physically you are fine on your knees,” I said. “That would solve a whole problem for me.”
fears
Then some fears hit, like what if my spouse finds out they were gay all along and they only want dick after this. What a cliche fear. But they reassured me that they will always love me.
“If you fall in love with them, you’re going to want to give them tons of resources,” I said. My spouse is generous.
“True,” my spouse said.
That could be really bad because the friend has a financial struggles.
Then I brought up the age gap. Our friend is in their early 30s. It’s a big age gap for me, which means a huge age gap for my spouse. Yikes!
“Would that be wrong?” I asked.
“I don’t think so,” my spouse said.
“Yeah, because you’re not looking to nest with this person and do something super close. It’s just sex,” I said. “Mostly.”
My spouse has been older than they look for a long time, but they’re graying more at the temples these days.
“And the rules are different there anyway,” I said, thinking of the Beltane celebration. “That’s one of the best things about it.”
“Things would change,” I continued. “But it’s time for change.”
conclusion
Telling you all this helps me sort it out. Who knows what will really happen. Who knows if the friend would even say yes. Maybe they want to get laid with completely different people.
Recently I saw on social media some old pictures from when they were a twink. I think of them as fat like me, but maybe they are fat in a “fat person trapped in a thin person’s body” sort of way, not like me at all. Their desire to lose weight sounds health-based. But if they actually want to be thin because they think thin is hot, I’m never going to be that.
Their fatness is an appealing aspect of who they are. But if they don’t love their fat, they probably won’t love mine.
The week after we cuddled, I was flushed with desire and wanted to reach out a lot. Now I feel cool. But I’m telling you all this for a reason. Please let me know if you have any ideas.
truth
I love you; I’m glad our connection isn’t dependent on these kinds of desires. Thank you for friendship. You help me understand what friendship is.
These days I want to live grounded in reality. Most of my crushes have been unrealistic– not on the actual person, but on a fantasy of who I wanted that person to be. Now I understand that crushes usually work that way–it wasn’t just me. A spiritual understanding of the angel inside someone is often wishful thinking.
But you and I are here to know each other as we are. I’m glad the chaos-desire to get laid isn’t part of it. Thank you for letting me tell you the whole truth.
Nest
