I love you, bitch

Having sex with my spouse recently, I wanted to be called bitch a lot.  My spouse was kind to me, or mean in a round about way, speaking to me as I requested.  When he said, “I love you, bitch,” that was my favorite.

Yes, I want my spouse’s love.  I want my spouse’s love

• in regular life
• in a hazy sex-kink world
• during a scene
• in dream life
• between lives
• privately
• publicly
• sexually
• tenderly
• supportively
• lightheartedly
• intensely
• romantically
• on a date
• at home doing little things
• always
• everywhere
• when I’m with others
• as the people we actually are
• as people we are not
• in dream ways
• as mythological creatures
• as deity

Yes, we can be all sorts of things to one another.

complexifying factor

I want to be my spouse’s bitch in the sense of treasured, used beloved slut.  Dearly cherished pleasure person.  Slightly degraded, adored sexual object.  In a pretend way, I wish my spouse to own me.  Just in bed.

The complexifying factor is I have a dick now.  Finally I bought a strap.  I have not yet made sure the dildo I bought fits properly in it.  So much has been changing lately in my life.  I ride huge emotions as the seasons change and I become a new person.

This evening my spouse and I have a big date.  I’m going to wear my new dick for the first time.  It’s purple, though it looks blue in this picture.  I predict I’ll be overcome with emotion, as this is something I’ve wanted for years.

history

Straps are not new.  I think of my lesbian ancestors as using them for a long time–lesbians who these days might or might not use other language for themselves, such as non-binary or maybe trans man.

But the concept of wearing a strap feels new to me: gender affirming that I am not a woman.  I feel happy to be not a woman and not a man–it’s a need.

The dick I’ve purchased and will wear later today is for sex, but it’s definitely about me: who I am, parts of my identity that are only now being allowed to come forward into the light.

Lately I’ve been feeling capable of big changes.  I feel magician and emperor energy.  I need to shed what’s not working for me.  A big one is no longer putting up with low-skills relationship behavior of cis-het white men.

change

Yes, I’ve been moving this direction for years, after making excuses for cis-het white men all my life.  No longer am I going to stay connected to cis-het white men who I carry all the emotions of the relationship for.  The men who I reach out to over and over again, who almost never initiate with me–I’m done.

A few days ago, I deleted a years-long chat off my phone with a cis-het white man friend who I feel neglected by.  It was exciting to let go of all that conversation.

Not that I hate him or will never speak to him again.  I’m just done chasing him.  It’s unhappy for me to be the one keeping the relationship going–and totally unfair.  I’m raising my standards.  If he wants to, he can come to me.

power

I don’t need that cis-het white man friend anymore–I have my own dick now.  Please pardon me–I don’t want to be boring and simplistic about gender.  But today, dick feels like power, a power I’ve been denied all my life.  To finally wear a dick feels like a resolution to lifelong pain.

Not that I’m a man–not at all.  Just I need more play.  Freedom is my core value.

I’m curious how the strap will change my relationship with my spouse.  Getting into his ass already changed a lot.  But this evening I want to make him my bitch in a new way: I want to say “I love you, bitch” to him as he sucks my dick.

“I love you, bitch” is a way I want to try being in the world.  I’m hungry for new roles with my spouse and in the world.  I’m asking God to bless me as I transition.