I had a rage orgasm. It was surprising and almost scared me.
Emotionally I’m going through a time of change. I’m making new choices including saying no to unbalanced, destructive relationships. Feels great to raise my standards and work on believing I deserve more.
content warning: brief mention of sexual violation
Family pain and trauma are central as I change; family is where I was taught I deserve abuse. In my family, men treated me like I existed for their pleasure or to serve them. I learned to get my needs met by going along with their desires and giving them whatever they wanted. These survival behaviors are still with me, unfortunately.
I’m trying to heal. I want to release the stuck harm in my hips, lower back, and upper butt from when I was sexually violated as a child and young person. Off and on, I’ve been having intense pain in these areas, especially my upper butt. So it’s time to work on the harm I’m storing there.
I got a professional massage for the first time in ages. I was desperate for pain relief, physical and emotional. My former housemate suggested a wellness place in town.
I went at the appointed time. It’s always hard for me to let a stranger touch me. But I knew it was for a good reason and wanted to try.
release
I was unprepared for the rage that was released after the massage therapist worked on my lower back, butt, hips, and thighs. About an hour after the appointment, I came unhinged.
My spouse and I have sex almost every day. My preferred sex frequency is sex twice a day. So whatever feeling state I’m experiencing, I’m likely to have sex in. I need sex not reserved for special occasions, but part of everyday life, like eating and breathing.
This time having sex felt mostly usual. But something shifted strangely as I worked toward my orgasm. Emotions were stirring in me I didn’t expect. Usually true anger is not in the mix.
When the orgasm hit, I made sounds I had never heard before. The pleasure was extreme, but alongside the pleasure, my body was overwhelmed by rage. I made a low, long guttural roar. It poured out of me like a demon or an unknown Mystery exiting my mouth. It sounded like fury.
Sometimes I’ll feel frustration during sex, especially if I’m impeded from orgasm for whatever reason: physical pain due to disability, or thoughts interfering with thoughts. But this was not frustration. It was whole-body rage that was so extreme it felt almost like violence.
I’m guessing the violence that was done to me long ago, I inadvertently stored, and it was coming loose after decades of being lodged in my butt / hips area.
new
Wow, it’s not every day I shock myself. This rage orgasm was new.
How was my spouse? He could tell something different was happening, and he was ok. He’s good with whatever, during sex: curious, open, trusts me. He’s easygoing socially and has helped me heal serious trauma through sex and kink. Nothing yet has been too much for him.
Since then, several of my orgasms have had a rage element. But none has been all rage like that rage orgasm day.
questions for discussion
Have you used sex to process difficult emotions?
Did you plan that? Or did it just happen?
Is there trauma trapped in your body?
If so, do you know where?
Would you enjoy experiencing this type of healing or release?
consent
Should massage therapists explain better to clients how massage can free up stuck trauma and lead to unexpected expression? Preparing for rage release might have helped me.
Maybe most survivors of sexual violence don’t go to massages that much? Or maybe talk therapists are supposed to help people handle the emotions part?
Acupuncture led to anger being stirred up too. I had emotional release during and after acupuncture, but not rage orgasm.
I need healing and want multiple ways. Prayer, ritual, talk therapy, group support, singing, art, yelling / screaming, writing, sex, love, telling the truth. Rage is one of my truths, so I’m grateful sex can help me express it.
