Dear friend, I worried about you, when you were headed to another state to do direct action and risk arrest. Partly I’m worried because you’ve never been arrested.
I’m proud of you for wanting to make a better world. But I know that in direct actions, there’s risk with police violence. Things happen unexpectedly. There are many opportunities for harm.
- at the action
- during the arrest
- after arrest while awaiting transport
- during transport
- while being booked
- while being searched
- in jail from guards
- in jail from other inmates
- while awaiting release
- handling of property
- during release
- after release
Your body is sacred to me. Your heart and mind and soul are cherished and sacred to me. I love you and don’t want you to get hurt. I respect your need to try new things and take risks for what you believe. Believe me–I love that about you. But please be patient with me as I can’t help but feel concern.
strong
When we’re doing something for the first time, we don’t always know how we’ll react. You are a strong person, physically and mentally. I love your intelligence and attentiveness also. But you’re also very emotional and have a special magic to your energy.
Of course we’re going to have difficulties in life and encounter pain and violation. But you are so treasured to me. It’s challenging that I might know a lil more about the dangers you face than you do. I’m not sure that’s true, but I’ve done jail support for more than ten years, for all sorts of people.
Do you remember that time I told you about when I get arrested, I put myself in an extra grounded state beforehand? I know that anything can happen, and I’m ready to die. Odds are I will not die. But by risking arrest, I’m relinquishing control. I’m handing my body over to authorities who are carrying guns; I’m putting myself at the mercy of untrustworthy people. It’s a leap of faith.
Holy shit–that’s a big thing to do. I have faith you have thought about it and prepared in your own way.
love
But that’s why I kept telling you I love you. I asked you on the phone if I matter to you, crying, as you needed to go and leave on your trip with the loved ones you were bringing with you. I felt sad you didn’t invite me.
Chances are I would not have joined you. But sometimes I wish I was more at the center of your life than the witch to the side who can be stable and important to you but less involved, less implicated.
We’ve never done this before, this whole relationship and situation. I don’t expect perfection from either of us. But sometimes I wish I was more invited. True I have a lot of words. But I’m not causing drama; I’m not the squeaky wheel. Thank you for being patient if I want more.
I txted you the picture of a goddess that matters to me and said she might protect you, me, and the people we love. Maybe you thought it was a non sequitur, but it was because I respect your work doing direct action, and I don’t want you to get too hurt. If you get hurt, I hope it’s a type of hurt than you can recover from.
content warning: brief mention of police violence
Part of my concern is your transness. Maybe you have some sense of how this particular jail handles trans people.
Will you be treated respectfully? Probably not. Add exhaustion, physical pain, emotional pain, and whatever else might be going on, and your behavior could become erratic, which can lead to more problems. I mean that if you have a panic attack in jail, you’re likely to be beaten and restrained.
I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry we created a world of no compassion for the most vulnerable. We’re working on a better world, right?
today
Maybe today is the day you risk arrest. Maybe it was yesterday. I have your jail support plan on the fridge.
Thank you for talking to me about bail preferences and when to call who. I hope I hear from you soon that you’re safe and well. Thank you for being patient with me and my love for you. My love for you is big, alive, and always changing. I’m grateful for that.
Maybe next time you’re going to a direct action and will risk arrest, we could do a ritual beforehand for your safety and intentionality. Please give me more. It would help, if you gave me extra assurance of your love, that we are connected even in times of danger. Especially in times of danger.
always yours,
Nest
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