Dear friend,
I was thinking of that funny moment when I mentioned how in a previous community, my spouse had a reputation for undressing lickety split. Yes, at the moment of taking off clothes, he had it down to just a few seconds.
You seemed surprised. You don’t know the whole story: a personal growth workshop he was part of for years, and what he did with them. Yes, he’s been on earth almost six decades and has lived a lot in that time.
honest
Then yesterday I was thinking how my spouse’s body is my favorite body I’ve ever known in all my life (besides maybe my own). Why is his body so amazing?
I would say his body is that amazing because it’s totally honest. His tummy, his thighs, his ass, his package, his torso, his arms, his hands. They are so real and “what you see is what you get.” There’s no deception. He’s not trying to accentuate a part of him or hide anything.
More than anyone I’ve ever known, he’s being who he is. I don’t feel an agony there. He knows he’s pretty, but he’s not derailed by that. Matter of factly, he lives in his body, and that security is so attractive.
trauma
Sort of like I was telling you when I fell in love with him and started having sex with him, I looked for his sex trauma and didn’t find any. At the time I thought he was a man, and every man I’d ever known carried a mess of bullshit.
- huge guilt for how they had hurt people with their sexuality
- rage about unmet sexual needs
- fear of inadequacy
- deep insecurity to the point that sex was what they wanted most in the world, but they were also terrified of it
It was confusing how my spouse had none of that. Wow– was he enlightened?
Later I learned he’s not a man. Oh, ok. Then I began to understand how remarkable this person is. He is easy to love, easy to have sex with, and wonderful to share my life and home with.
healing
The way he lives in his body is inspiring. When I told you about his lack of sex trauma at a rest stop in southern Oregon, you said, “I want to be like him.”
It gave me pause. I wondered if you could heal what you’ve been through and become that secure and easy to have sex with. It was a pondering moment.
Probably you could not be like him; you have to be like you. However, I see how anyone would want to be like him. I guess I wish I could too. But the amount of violation and shame I’ve endured makes that hopeless.
photos
Also I wanted to tell you. Do you remember that time we were talking in the car about how photos don’t capture how you actually look, and I told you how the light of God shines out of you, which can’t be seen in a picture?
I wanted to say also that photos can’t capture how your eyes are so weirdly amazing. I’ve never seen a photo that captures that. The people lucky enough to be talking to you might glimpse your eyes and have a “what the fuck!” moment of seeing Beauty.
It would probably take some portrait work / modeling work with a good photographer to help you feel safe enough with proper lighting to replicate the magic of a second of eye contact with you. I’m guessing it could be done, but you would need to allow that.
I’ve never seen eyes like yours, and I wonder if you wear contacts because you know how powerful they are, or if you are annoyed by glasses or what.
Probably eyes are just about genes, not like you intentionally grew these astounding eyes. But they are part of you. I’m happy that eyes are not about gender, so maybe you can love them and not have dysphoria about them.
motion
Another way cameras can’t capture how you look is about motion. You move with an anarchist grace all your own. The freedom inside you seems boundless.
That energy that animates you relates to other aspects of who you are. The motion is so beautiful because it conveys your intelligence and flavor.
You’re famous for your energy, and your motion relates to that. A picture is just still.
worship
Thank you for letting me explain these things to you, dear friend. I hope it’s ok to hear my admiration. My big calendar document says in 2026 I can bring up worshiping you. I asked if I could worship you in the kitchen a year ago, and you said no, so I asked if I could ask again in three years, and you said yes.
Do you not like being worshiped in general, or it’s only by me, you don’t want to be worshiped? The way of love that comes most easily to me is bhakti, which is worshipful.
You know how Christians worship baby Jesus, on the cross Jesus, parable speaking loaves and fishes Jesus, fuck shit up in the temple turning over a table Jesus, body and blood symbolic Jesus. There are many ways.
Not to say that you’re like Jesus. Dear friend, you’re much better than that.
yesterday
Yesterday at the beach I told my spouse how his body is my favorite body I’ve ever known because of how honest it is.
“I’m sorry I never told you before,” I apologized. “It just seemed so obvious. I never thought to say it.”
He undressed so quickly because there was no hesitation. Before, I thought he just formed without fear. Now I know better. What I guessed was instinctive, a lot of that he actually worked hard for.
Yes, I’ve also worked hard for self-love; it contradicts how culture taught me to hate myself. I’ve fought tooth and nail to love myself in a culture where fat, disabled, poor people are told we’re worthless.
Please let me know if I can help with any of your struggles or needs.
I love you,
Nest
