I was in love with my Friend, but we are not well-suited to one another for partnership. We have a huge age difference; that’s partly why. They are in a different developmental stage from me, as a young adult, while I am middle aged. So I’m planning a letting go ritual.
Not to break up, because we want long-term love. But we don’t want the sexy part. The letting go ritual is to let go of the sexual desire inside me. And no one is served by the dream.
We talked about it. My sexual desire interfered with my ability to enjoy the friendship. So I decided to let go of two things: my sexual desire for them, and the fantasy I had for my future in their life.
witch
I’d had this fantasy that helped keep me going, something I reached for– to be their side dish and help take care of their baby-child, some years from now. I wanted to be the witch next door, providing stability in the form of nurturing, and also receiving impact pain, sexual cherishing, and fantastic pleasure.
I can’t live for that dream. It’s time to find more feasible dreams and let something realistic motivate me. Let’s free up the energy I had wrapped up in hoping to be a cherished part of their family circa 2028.
Yes, I make myself sick, aching for family and a safe place to rest. I’m sorry I made a mistake, letting my lack misdirect itself. The truth is, I do have a safe place in their life right now– safer if I can be 100% appropriate. And I have a safe place with my spouse also.
This is my plan for a letting go ritual. I want to pray for a week, then do this ritual together, once I’ve already cleared out most or all of the unwanted desire.
materials
- water for blessing
- small candle
- lighter
- palo santo
- water to drink
- fruit
- flowers
- small shovel
letting go ritual
First we’ll go to the forest or a wild place in a park. We could put the flowers on the ground, in a circle around us.
Then we could sing a song that matters to us, or any song, to clear the air and help ground ourselves. We could speak some beginning words about feeling our bodies on the earth and who we are.
Then we could light the palo santo and bless one another with love.
Next we could state the purpose of our ritual aloud. The purpose could be like this:
These two people wish to have a mutually supportive, mutually beneficial relationship for a long time. The unwanted desire Nest felt was interfering with the happy continuation of this friendship. So Nest is asking Mother God, Parent Earth, her ancestors, her friends and chosen family, the spirits of this land, and any manifestation of Love to help remove Nest’s unhelpful desires and return the desires to Parent Earth where they came from.
This letting go is respectful. It will free up energy, and unstick what’s stuck, making way for a happier connection which is blessed by God.
prayer
Then we could pray a prayer like this.
Holy Mother, Mother of God, please bless these two people as Nest lets go of what no longer serves them. This dream Nest held was bright, but it was not based on reality. Nest has a brilliant body filled with valid needs and the wish to connect and support and learn. But sometimes a body can make a mistake in who it desires.
Some differences are significant, and space is key. The Friend’s “no” is sacred. All “no” is sacred, just as all “yes” is sacred. In deep respect for the Friend, please, Mother God, help Nest clear out any last scraps of sexual desire, unwanted and unhelpful to this relationship.
Please bless these two friends as we build what we need with one another. Please bless our consent. Over time, please help us deepen our honesty and kindness. Please dissolve the struggle of Nest’s intense desires so they no longer interfere with authentic connection.
Please help Nest do the work of love in fair ways, just as this Friend does the work of love in fair ways, for the benefit of all beings.
apology
Then they light the small candle and hold it together. Nest apologizes like this:
Friend, I am sorry that I misdirected desires toward you that didn’t belong. I’m sorry I misunderstood. Thank you for telling me truth that helps me make a better choice. Thank you for being real with me so I can pray for a more appropriate dream for our future.
Friend, I’m sorry I made a mistake. Will you forgive me?
Hopefully the Friend accepts, or there could be discussion.
Then the Friend apologizes like this:
Nest, I am happy to tell the truth to you and work toward a sustainable future with you. I have done nothing wrong by saying no to you. Yet I feel compassion for your grief and for the needs that lead you to look for safety in all sorts of ways. Your feelings matter to me, and your needs matter to me.
I’m sorry culture didn’t give you the safety you need. Will you forgive it?
No, probably Nest will not forgive culture. But you never know. I can say thank you to my Friend for asking.
candle
Then one can say–this candle flame is bright and not evil. But it represents the mistake Nest made. Together we can blow the candle out and move on to another way of being together in the world.
So we blow out the candle together, and we take turns digging a hole, then bury it as deep as we feel like it.
Then we howl in celebration and as animal howling beings, to move a little energy in case something was still stuck in our torsos.
Then we bless each other with the water.
Maybe another song, and we could share the fruit, hug, thank each other. We could thank Mother God and the spirit of the land again, then walk away to a bench to sit together, or to the parking lot.
We could drink water and be new people, like we’re new people all the time.
truth
The truth is, my Friend could move away tomorrow, or I could die this afternoon. Life is strange, and what’s a caring intention spoken in the forest?
Like prayer, ritual helps me know myself. People are so complicated and full of Mystery. Freedom is the whole point. But at least during the moment of the ritual, we are on the same page. Our intentions are clear. From there we might diverge, but during the ritual, how deliciously direct things feel.
Using symbols, like blowing out the candle flame, can help us feel the truth not just with language, but with something else. Using symbols, I can communicate with parts of myself that are not receptive to words.
What do you think? I hope it works.
