what we want vs what we say we want

I wrote about what happened last summer, when my spouse and I briefly lived on a small farm where the farmer witch wanted a sister wife.  Writing helped me realize again: there can be such a large gap between what we want vs what we say we want.

sister wife

How much truth will fit, in a craigslist advert?  If she had asked for a sister wife like she actually wanted, all sorts of strangeness would have shown up.

Maybe she would have had a better chance at what she wanted.  Or maybe she would have weeded through so many unrealistic weirdos,  all her energy would be used up on the sorting part.

Better to trick a nice lady such as myself, into sister wife experimentation.  I show up curious, naive, and optimistic, like the Fool I am.  If I had known I was auditioning for a role in her family, I might have started out differently.

But are we all auditioning for roles in each other’s families?  Meeting one another, we’re looking for vastly different things.

trick

I’m not sure the craigslist advert was a trick–was the farmer witch lying?  More like a new awareness bloomed.  She broke through another layer toward her truth.

Honesty requires self-knowledge.  I think about that with consent.  Consent means we need to know what’s really going on.  But how many people are even familiar with their own inner workings, needs, motivations?  Seems rare.  So good consent gets more hard to reach.

We all have our own standards.  I only want to be close to people who are contemplative and actually care about what’s real–friends who are willing to think for a minute.  Telling the truth is effort, and we need to find truth first.

Maybe this year, the farmer witch placed an advert on a dating site, instead of asking for work-trade help with the garden and goats.  When my spouse and I left, she didn’t request feedback.  I could have given her some advice, but who wants it?

She thinks she knows what she’s doing, which is part of why she doesn’t.  Her self-read is off.  But we all have to start somewhere.

power

A lot of it comes down to power.  I have homelessness trauma and landlord trauma too.  My preference would be a world much different from this one, where maintaining housing wasn’t difficult to terrifying.

Most people grow up without a safety net, and crazy people such as myself feel the risk of very uncomfortable homelessness haunting us like a specter.  Of course we’re afraid of slipping up and finding ourselves on the streets, like a rolling stone.

There are many ways to be homeless, and unchosen, unplanned for homelessness is so bad for our health.  The people who most need to be protected are unprotected.  We all deserve safe places to rest and be at home.

sex

Maybe it would have been a joy to have sex with the husband-farmer.  I have some stuckness about sex–I need so much consistency and aftercare.  What if having sex in another way, with a different relationship structure, would be freeing?

Maybe I would have learned things, having sex with the husband-farmer, that I never would have learned otherwise.  Things about intimacy, power, bodies, feelings.

Maybe we could have greatly improved the quality of life for all people on that farm, by facilitating a situationship where the husband-farmer fucked me a couple times a week.  Maybe that couple does better with more people deeply involved, or they would discover that.

personal power

This morning when I pulled tarot cards, Spirit was telling me to grab my personal power and stop thinking I’m trapped.  Eight of Swords was saying I need to wake up to how much I can do, rather than focusing on the bad behavior of others.

Felt a bit tough love, but true.  I don’t want to hear that I’m trapping myself.  Yes, I can get derailed by focusing on what others do,  My life is mine.

Probably I have more in common with the sad, isolated farmers than I believed at the time I lived there.  I’ve trapped myself in my own prison also.  I want things I can’t manage to have also.  My style of autism, I can often read the room well enough to see what I’m supposed to do, but I lack the ability to do it.

It’s a frustrating feeling, but I regret nothing.  I love myself exactly as I am.

What we want vs what we say we want, is sort of similar to what scenarios we’d like to orchestrate, vs what scenarios we’re actually capable of.  Fantasy is a good place to keep a lot of what I desire.