Dear housemate, I was surprised and thrown off balance when you told me at dinner, announced in front of everyone, that the weird thing about me is how I don’t recognize how powerful I am. Wow. It was a vulnerable, extra-honest thing to say.
Not that you were wrong. But I’m trying to figure out what you were talking about. Maybe my lack of understanding proves you’re right. What does it mean, to be powerful?
Sometimes I think I’m a goddess. I feel grounded in who I am, what I need, and why I’m on earth. My faith is a layer of strength under the ground of my life, rock solid like caliche, and I love myself.
I’m happier than just about anyone I know. Not that I’m stuck in joy–I feel a full range. But the faith is mixed in with the happiness. No matter what, I’m ok.
Many people seem to have no idea what they’re doing. They can manage everyday life, but deep down, they’re clueless. So I’m the opposite, because I fuck up a lot in everyday life, but that’s ok because my whole life is guided by love.
When you say powerful, do you mean the light I shine? Maybe the power you’re talking about is Shakti energy. Maybe when I die, I’ll go to the same place as my mom and her mom, even though I’m not a mother, or I never had kids of my own. That Shakti energy is the ultimate primordial power, glowing like a vibrant red star. It keeps everything going.
But my mom is no longer a living person. I couldn’t stop death. What use is power, when I don’t get so much of what I need? I feel like a goddess, and at the same time, I feel like a failure. I’m set up differently than other people, and in community especially, my needs are trampled. I’m disabled, and I can’t help the world see that all bodies are valid bodies. In so many ways, I’m screwed.
I wasn’t good enough for you to love me and be part of my family, when I invited you. You didn’t want my body when I offered it to you. My powerful nature doesn’t result in anyone deciding I’m someone they want to date. My family is small.
What is powerful, if I can’t do so many things that other people can do? I can’t drive a car, have a job, publish a book. My driver’s license and passport are both expired. In some ways, I’m a mess.
Still some people see me as wise. It can make me squirm. I never wanted power-over. I always try to throw it back, when people decide I’m in charge.
Why would I want to have dominion over others? I believe in freedom–I want freedom for myself. So I want it for everyone.
Maybe powerful is partly that–I truly want freedom for myself. Many people I encounter want to rest in the ease of someone else telling them how to live and what’s valuable.
I’ve stepped off that path, which means I need to make my own path. That’s a lot of work. But hard work in the inner life is what I’m on earth for.
Yes, a lot of people don’t know what they’re on earth for. I’m happy to love. I know why I’m here, and I’ll stay open as it changes.
Thank you for loving me in the ways you know how, to the degree that makes sense for you. I miss you very much, especially when you’re right in front of me.
The weird thing about you is how soft your beard is–I wish I could forget. The weird thing about you is how my soul would rise up in my body when you touched me, parts of my soul I had forgotten existed. Also you know a lot about evolution and sea creatures.
I love you,