I love queer sex, and am not keen on straight sex. But maybe it’s a false distinction? That’s what I’m pondering today.
I think of queer sex as
- dynamic–it changes mid-scene and over the years
- creative–we have to do different things than insert a tab into a slot
- showing up as my whole self
- transformative–it changes me
- healing–the repression and violence I received from cis men loses its harm
- transgressive–thrilling to do what I was taught is wrong
- intentional–takes thought and effort
- wild–we have to make our own rules
- free–unbound by patriarchy
- unpredictable–unstagnant, flowing where it flows
- authentic–actually me doing it, not who I thought I was supposed to be
I think of straight sex as
- dude centered
- dick centered
- possibly baby making–all the political baggage that can come with that
- confined by patriarchy
- heteronormative–a scam
- women are used
- men are performing domination / toxic masculinity
- a waste of time
- not worth the risk
Wow, I didn’t know I thought all that. Queer sex nourishes me and helps me live. Straight sex is death.
I’ve wanted sex at times with cis dudes, and mostly they rejected me. These days I’m glad they rejected me because straight sex has mostly been at my expense, with my needs pushed to the side. I don’t need more self-sacrifice and self-effacement. My needs matter, and my spirit matters.
My body is valid and matters. I’m not less valuable for being disabled or fat. The men didn’t treat me that way. They didn’t honor what’s sacred about me.
being around cis men
But wait–what about me as I am, queer Nest, queer every moment? I’m never straight, even when I’m with a straight man. Does that mean any sex I have is queer sex?
Ah, good question. Ideally, yes. But in actuality, being around cis men brings out the worst in me.
Kinda how being around my family of origin brings our the silent little kid in me. I fall into a previous way of being that has less power.
People who have more power enjoy that. I’m rewarded for being easy, in those oppression situations.
So yes, I think I have had straight sex. But that’s not the life I want ever again.
questions for discussion
Have you had queer sex? Have you had straight sex?
Can straight sex be better than what I know it as?
Am I being simplistic in my dichotomy?
Is it Christianity’s fault, for making so much shame around basics like touch and sex? So it takes people who have mostly been ejected from Christianity, to do something more creative and fun?
Is kink automatically queer?
What percentage of sex is good sex?
Who would you be, if you only had queer sex, or only had straight sex?
What kinds of sex would most nourish you and help you have the life you want to live?
How do you feel about having sex–before, during, and after?
How could we make sex queer-er?