theory unsent letter

favorite times with you

As you prepare to leave, I prepare to live without you.  You’ll always be in my heart, but maybe never again in my day-to-day life.  I’m pondering our whole friendship.  These are sweet memories of my favorite times with you.

hand massage

At the meeting when I invited you to massage my hands, was it ok to ask?  You said yes, and I trust your consent.

We’d done that before a few times, a kind type of touch that seems easy.  It’s intimate but doesn’t risk sexuality.  I tend to get quiet and breathe deeper, resting in the safety of touch with someone I trust.

You were there with your beloved partner, so treasured, shining like a star.  And your best friend was sitting on the other side of you.  Someone else you’ve shared a lot of intimacy with arrived late.  And your chosen family member was co-facilitating the meeting.

Wow, it was like a reunion.  I was lucky to sit beside you.  When you said yes to the hand massage and took my hand, I felt special.  I felt strongly that I mattered to you.

When you pushed on my fingers, it slightly hurt, but I liked that.  When you massaged the muscle below my pinky, it was deeply pleasurable.

I gave you feedback, “That feels good.”  Then when you massaged my strong thumb muscles, I repeated, “That feels good.”

The feedback felt like a sweet loop of care.  I was connected to you.


During the hand massage, you paused as you spoke up at the meeting.  You rested your forearm against my forearm and loosely held my hand, as you said something to the group.  I felt like the luckiest person in the world.

It makes me cry to remember because I felt very respected.  I’m not lesser than, to you.  I am a valid person.  Many people don’t recognize that.  Thank you for recognizing my validity.

whole lake day

That whole lake day was amazing.  Thank you for driving.  Thank you for giving me the gift of swimming together.  I said things to you that were vulnerable.

Standing with you in the shining water was beautiful.  I’ve not swam much since moving here.  Thank you for helping me enter the literal water but also some water of truth.

Water is the subconscious, to me–the place of dreams, sleep, love, baby rest and nurturing, the other side, intuition, wholeness.  Cups energy.  Thank you for taking a dip in spirit-truth with me.

resting in your bed

Then afterward I had a vulnerability hangover.  The next day, I asked you to tell me it really happened.  Yes, you told me it really happened.

You invited me to rest in your bed, and I cried there, about so many things.  How soft that bed is, how other people have dropped me really bad after intimacy, and how you were willing to show up for me, at least then.

more of my favorite times with you

“Favorite” seems like overwhelming positive.  But some of my favorite times with you have actually been uncomfortable.  I like how you’re a safe person to enter discomfort with.

More of my favorite times with you were when we were cooking and I asked you to stuff my flower.  When you collided with me at the bottom of the stairs.  A time you said my name in a sweet way, as if I was excessive or exasperating.  Your excitement when I suggested a project we could share.

When you marked my body with snake magic, of course.   When I drove you to the train station, and our hug before you left.  A time on the porch when I was first getting to know you.  You told me what you’re on earth for, and I realized how similar our projects are, carried out in very different bodies.


A day or two after that meeting where you massaged my hand, I was thinking about your partners I’ve met, and what I think of them.  Yes, every single one of your ex-es and partners I’ve interacted with.  I notice patterns of how they talk, behave, perform gender, and interact with you.

I’m not super into hierarchy.  But I had a strong feeling come to me in a complete sentence.  This was the feeling.

You are better than all of those people put together.  You are smarter, kinder, more creative, and so full of life.  You’re also hotter and more beautiful.  They have nothing on you.

You may think those people are so wonderful.  But actually you are the wonderful one.  So deserving of loving care, consideration, and honoring.


I thank Mother God for you.  And I bless your freedom as you head out to another life.

Bon voyage, dear good pumpkin.  I love you.

By Nest

Curious, disabled Earth Goddess, telling the truth.

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