why they broke up with you

Dear friend, this is why they broke up with you.

scary

That confidence that makes bosses promote you to supervisor is what makes you scary to argue with.  You hold beliefs with rigid certainty that crushes others.  Your confidence is lack of curiosity, which is chilling.

Love means caring what the other person thinks and feels.  In emotional conversations, your certainty is violence.  Why don’t you want to know their truth?  Why didn’t you want to know mine?  I was terrified from one argument with you.

In a workplace, it might be ok not to care much how others feel and what they think.  In close relationships, the bond will be destroyed.

That scary-to-argue-with piece is a big part of why they felt trapped.  It was you.

refusal to diversify

The way you single-sourced on them was parasitic.  Of course your behavior caused trapped feelings–anyone would suffer from that.  It was not moral failure on their part.

Your refusal to diversify is violence.  Everyone needs freedom, but especially young people.  Requiring a busy 21 year old to meet all your emotional needs was fucked up.   It was you.

present when it’s convenient

The thing you complained about them being close then vanished, you do the same thing.  You’ve done that to me over and over, to the point that I decide never to interact with you again, then change my mind because I love you.  Bonding hormones course through me, from your skilled, astounding touch.  I stay committed, but you never were consistent for me, even when I asked directly for aftercare.

That lack of consistency is you.  The lack of consistency you hate in them is a mirror showing you your own cruelty.  You can’t just drop people like that.  Why they broke up with you is that cruelty.

t

No one should have to inject T before they feel strong-complete enough to get away from you.  They felt trapped because you were trapping them.  It’s not ok–freedom is sacred.

Then I watched them baby your weaknesses during the brief time of you both living here simultaneously post-breakup.  They babied your weaknesses because they’re afraid of you.  It meant peace for themselves, but also calm in the house.  They sacrificed their energy and truth because you’re as selfish as a baby but with the body of a strong, intimidating adult.

other people know things you don’t know

Thinking you know everything means you’re missing a lot.  You’re not an “old soul”–you’re a closed off, bitter asshole.  The truth is, other people know things you don’t know.

These days you’re pretty and get away with harm.  One day that’s not going to work anymore.

regrets

In the car the worst part was when I asked if you had any regrets.  I know why they broke up with you and what you could do better next time, to be kind in relationships.

It wasn’t their selfishness, lack of maturity, or any deception on their part that led to the breakup.  You keep framing it that way, deceiving yourself.  I’m sorry for the next person who steps into that.  I pray it will not be me.

sounds

The loudest sounds I can hear downstairs in the kitchen are two particular housemates dish washing–the third loudest sound was you and your lover talking and laughing as you cooked.  So much happiness you shared.  Your joy filled the room.

You’re the one who made it bad.  You decided the happiness while they were home was not enough–you decided they needed to keep you at the forefront at all times, even while traveling.

Why are others’ needs unreasonable expectations and co-dependent demands, while your needs are perfectly reasonable and should all be met immediately?  I don’t throw around the term narcissist.  But the way your needs are centered at all times, your ego needs constant stroking, and I exist to tell you you’re good and giggle at your spin turns in the hallway–no.  I don’t exist for that.  My life is for other things than keeping you bathed in positive regard, distracted from your own fears.

I wanted it to be one problem, but it’s all problems.  Why they broke up with you was to get away from you, for valid reasons.  I’m sorry they left community.  You used them as a buffer between you and the rest of the world, irresponsibly.  I don’t think they signed up for that.

How ironic, that you say they are fearful, immature, and need to go on this trip to find themselves.  Where are you?  When did you find yourself?  Please try again.

attention

There’s nothing wrong with me, for adoring you, caring for you, and paying attention  There’s something wrong with you for soaking it up and giving back pain.

I miss you already, and I’m sorry I love you.

Nest