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theory

being nice

“I like being nice to you, because then you keep wanting to have sex with me,” I said to my spouse, smiling.

We were lying in bed mostly naked, sweetly cuddling at the end of the day.  “And you’re always being nice to me, maybe because you like to have sex with me,” I added.

“Yes, I love having sex with you,” he said.

“Yeah–it’s like, a huge cycle.  It’s before we have sex–gotta be nice–or right after we had sex, we need to be nice.  Then gearing up before we’re going to have sex again–need to be nice,” I said.

Yes, seemed liked a good overall description of our shared life.

“So why isn’t everyone nice to each other?” I asked.  “Don’t they need to be nice, so they can keep having sex?”

It seemed so clear to me.  Many people in relationships have constant conflict, are mean to each other, or actually don’t seem to like each other much.

liking sex

“I think most people don’t like having sex that much,” my spouse said.  “So they don’t want to be nice to each other, to keep doing it.”

“Wow!” I said.

“Someone might feel resentful that there’s not enough sex, or resentful that the other person wants sex…” he added.

“Wow!  Really?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Well, if they don’t like having sex that much…they’re probably not doing it right,” I said.

trauma

I pondered how many people have trauma around sex from being violenced, from guilt due to religion, or from being under-informed due to bullshit sex ed.  Too much.

Hmm, yes.  I had a lot of sexual trauma from violence, and I worked hard for years to overcome that.  I know I’m remarkable in my diy healing.  Most people avoid their feelings, rather than rushing toward them to learn and change.  Learning and changing is why I’m here on earth.

It takes a lot of inner life attention, time and effort, and skill to heal.  I’m grateful to have priorities, and my spouse does also.

happy

What makes you happy?  Sex makes me happy, in the context of love.  I need sex with someone who’s kind to me, has my best interests at heart, and who’s smart enough to understand me.  Pleasure is my favorite way of experiencing God, and for me it doesn’t work with someone mean.

I can masturbate and experience something good with myself.  But collaboration is magically creative.

By Nest

Curious, disabled Earth Goddess, telling the truth.

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