review theory

queerness at the sex party

There’s so much I learned at the sex party.  I wrote that long post about it, but I left a lot out.  I want to write about queerness at the sex party because that’s one of the things that I was paying attention to and that matters the most.


I have a cliche that bdsm people are young and conventionally beautiful.  So I was surprised when a lot of the sex party goers were around my age and fat.  I’m in my mid-40s and didn’t feel old at all.  My body type seemed represented: slightly short largefat / superfat.

There was a good mix of ages, but with young people being under-represented.  However, my spouse told me that as we were leaving, a bunch of young people were on their way in.

Yes, makes sense.  We left around 9:30?  The older people might be more likely to be early birds.  The young people might have more energy and come later, once the barn is warmed up, figuratively and literally.

queerness at the sex party

Age and queerness might not have much to do with each other.  Or they might.  Young people were born into a world that in some ways was further along the path toward queer and trans liberation.  Of course there’s terrible backlash, which means great danger of oppressive religious people and violence of all kinds, including people who make violent laws.  I’m very sorry about that.

It’s mixed, as the backlash is so harsh, it might be strange to say we’re further along.  But for example, hormone replacement therapy is more commonly found these days.  The average person on the street knows more about transness now.  When I was a kid, transness was seen as a scandal–unusual and very weird.  These days transness is more legible, though not supported and cherished as it should be.

Half my friends are trans, if not more.  I’ve always loved other queers, and I need more social choices than going on a pre-made path.  I’m a multi-marginalized person, and I need to find other creative folks who are making our own paths.  Queers are my people, including trans people.


At the sex party,  I thought many subs would be there collared.  Wow–I think I saw maybe two collars.

Before the party, I found myself wishing to wear a collar for the first time–I wished my spouse would perform domming me in a way that could be perceived by others.  Never had I wanted to be perceived as dommed, but I had never been to a sex party.  I imagined that I would feel safer, if it was clear that I belong to my spouse in a bdsm play way.

In regular life, I’m considerate and interdependent but free.  In bdsm life, my spouse can own me.  That’s fine.  Maybe I would get off, to feel that commitment around my neck.

Will I attend more kink events?  Maybe I should invest in a collar.  Seems like a worthwhile prop.

That would be a way to shock my house, maybe–to go to dinner or a house meeting collared.  Seems more risky to be out as a bottom than anything else that I’ve ever been out as.


The sex party looked way straighter than I expected.  I expected lots of very obviously queer people and trans people.  Yes, there were a few.  I admired a queer kilt I saw–it was brown on the outside, but the pleats were rainbow.  Cute!

The people I saw playing seemed to perform gender roles conventionally.  The available floggers were large guy-looking people.  The folks tied up on the crosses were both lady-appearing people who were being beaten by dude-appearing people.

My spouse and I were there for the consent workshop and only the beginning of the sex party.  So maybe it got more obviously queer as the night went on.

My spouse was wearing a dress.  But otherwise we might have looked like a straight couple.  So who knows, really, about the people around us.  I don’t have a queer hairstyle or other obvious queer signs.  My spouse’s nonbinariness can be missed.

Maybe young people are better at being queer in a way that’s perceivable at first glance?  Maybe a lot of middle aged queers like me pass as straight via dull costuming.


I would have preferred more obvious queerness at the sex party.  But ironically, I’m not contributing obvious queerness myself.  Maybe I should step up my queerness game?  Hire a queerness consultant to give me a queer makeover?  Maybe dying my hair blue would be enough.  Maybe I should get a visible lesbian tattoo and pretend it’s from my 20s.

Honestly I dislike that queerness has some obvious signs, and I’m not a cool kid because I don’t abide by them.  I wish being queer could signaled in many varied ways.  But if I want to feel happy and safe that I’m among queer people, maybe I should do more so that others know I’m queer.  Hmm.


This is not the conclusion I thought I would come to in this queerness at the sex party blog post, reader.  My conclusion is like: If I want a beautiful utopian world of queers, I need to look more queer so other queers know I’m queer.

Costuming and signaling have never been my forte.  I’m an inner world person.  In the inner world, what do I look like?  I think I look like a big freaky forest spirit.  Yes, I look like Totoro.

Is Totoro queer?  Why yes, I would think so.  Fat, non-verbal, and very admirably queer.  But not everyone probably knows that.  I gotta get more visible.

By Nest

Curious, disabled Earth Goddess, telling the truth.

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