loyal

In which I realize my body is loyal, and I thank my body.

I was crying with thwarted desire for a person who does not love me.  Which crying time am I talking about?  The night before they left town?  A random morning when I felt lonely?  The afternoon we had that positive interaction?

positive interaction

I was in a 10/10 mood after some good news and dancing in the sunshine.  The adored friend in question asked me how I was doing, and I said, “Great!”  I was lying on the couch–we spoke more warmly than we had in weeks.

They told me about their moods and plans.  I problem solved with them.  Accidentally I called them sweetheart.

Afterward, I wanted them again.  My body thought maybe one day, I can touch them again.  Even as I recounted the conversation to my spouse and picked apart the ways it’s wrong, my body was crying out for their body.  I wanted them holding me down, slamming into me, pushing on me, entering me, fucking me, using me.  I wanted them to hurt me.  My body wanted to somehow matter to them.

The emotional suffering of needing harsh physical impact I can’t receive–what can I do with that suffering?  My impulse is to turn it inward and hate myself.  It’s easier to hate myself than to hate another person, or make real change.

In the familiar way, I went to hate myself as a sick comfort, the thing I know how to do.

critical

I wanted to criticize my body for being stupid–I felt angry about my unmet need.  I wanted to tell my body, “You stupid shit, still longing for this person who doesn’t find you special and wants nothing to do with you.”

Then I realized–my body isn’t stupid.  Sweet, kind body.  I don’t need to hate myself.  I still wanted the person who I had felt close to and cared for–there’s nothing wrong with wanting and trusting.  My body is loyal.  Being loyal is actually a good thing.

slow

Yes, my body takes a minute.  My mind can comprehend there’s nothing here for me.  But my body moves slowly–my body has always moved slowly.  I love it for that.

The desire I felt was not something my body made up arbitrarily; it wasn’t random or based on this person being devastatingly pretty.   The desire was kindled inside me with touch, the sound of their voice, some well-chosen words, a little bit of attention.  A sigh during a massage, a flirtatious comment that made me glow.

My body is not stupid, to love.  My body is very smart, to feel and want and give.  What a beautiful, kind body.

thank you

Thank you for being loyal, body.  Your willingness to love inspires me.  I wish the world was full of people who showed up, gave, wanted, and were very honest.  I wish everyone was so loyal as you, dear body.  Thank you for being you.  Thank you for being me.

I will care for you as well as I can, and I’ll never abandon you.  Many people come and go, and some are not honest.  I will always be honest with you and hold you tenderly.  I’m in it for the long haul.

At night, I lie on my side and touch you gently.  I tell you that I love you as many times as you want, as I stroke your belly and breasts and face.  You matter to me, even as a beautiful dicked miracle doesn’t honor your worth.

Body, you are doing good work.  Thank you for being brave–thank you for feeling.  I honor you, and I’ll do my best to be kind to you.  You deserve respect from me and from anyone.