“I wanted to take care of some things, so I could then socialize with my clothes off,” my spouse said.
“Wow, sounds fun,” I told my spouse. “I want to socialize with my clothes off too!”
We laughed. Later he did take his clothes off. I did too, and we socialized very sweetly.
I can’t get enough of his body. The cuddle is so good. The sex is so good. He smells wonderful. He is my home. I want to sleep up next to him. He’s safety. His body in some way is my true home.
This is the marriage-love so many people are looking for. But sorry, you probably cannot have it with a man. I never met a man who knew how to love. I have to go with ladies and enbies. Men have no chance of loving me.
Why is that? I am too queer for that?
I am just not good with men. I’ve never been a lesbian. But maybe I’m something like that. I enjoy dick for sure, but not dick on men. Just dick on enbies.
I don’t make up the rules. I’ve tried very hard to be with cis dudes. Countless, countless times. I’m always too much for them–too many words, too many feelings and needs. They want my attention and adoration without offering commensurate devotion. They don’t enjoy actually being there for another person long term, meaningfully.
The easy, entertaining, pleasure parts of relationship they are good with. Any difficulty, I become evil in their mind for needing something. I turn into a selfish bitch archetype, as far as they’re concerned, for being anything but easy. It’s a weird way to see people. When I’m happy and fun, I’m lovable–when I have anything critical to say or ask for something, I turn into One of Them. Yikes!
I can’t always be happy and fun. If you turn my vulnerable request into a demand then hate me for it, I don’t know what to say to you. If you want my body for comfort and to ejaculate into, I understand that. My body is very appealing. But if you’re going to avail yourself of my body then lie about what we’re doing emotionally, I want nothing to do with you.
That’s very bad for my health. Leave me the fuck alone.
What man is honest, with behaviors and words matching, and wants to be accountable? All the cis-men I’ve known are players and made of lie. Or if they’re not players, they’re conservative and want to own me. I feel like Diogenes. I carried around a lamp, looking for an honest man. Not sure it’s possible. At this point I give up.
I’m fortunate my spouse is here to socialize with. His respect is deep, and he shows up for love every day. My girlfriend is here for me also. Many friends know how to love. I pour resources into them to care for them and for my own health.