safety into me

I wanted you to fuck the safety into me.

I wanted your hands on me for a much longer time.

I wanted to matter to your body.

I wanted your unique intelligence

up in my unique intelligence.

I wanted to see how being close to you

would change me.

I wanted someone to collaborate with sexually

who has different disabilities than my spouse’s.

I wanted to completely rest

with a new person who might

hold my anxiety for a moment so I didn’t have to.

I wanted to matter to your spirit.

I wanted to matter to your dick.

I wanted your balls to find me

a wick place to put your semen.

I wanted to kindle a Nest-specific energy

that would nourish you

in a small way you might need.

I wanted you to be a person who realized my worth.

I wanted to create a small culture with you

and learn its language.

I realized it couldn’t last, but I wanted to try.

I thought you would be worth the inevitable heartbreak.

I wanted another being to completely open to.

I wanted you to nourish me

toward the unexpected.

I wanted to tell you the whole truth.

I wanted to come around your dick

and tell you the whole truth with my body.

I wanted you to touch the fat on the upper part of my ass

and keep going.

I wanted to learn more about

who I am in your bed.

I wanted just a little place in your life.

I didn’t want anyone to know you were welcoming me

beyond who needed to know.

I wanted you to fuck the safety into me,

but I understand now

I create my own vajra healing.

I wanted a long, strange journey.

I’m sorry you never welcomed me in.