no journey

I was loving someone recently who held me skillfully but sent mixed messages and did not want to do intimacy.  I learned a lot.  I’m sorry there’s no journey we can take together.  In any kind of relationship, I need responsible, consistent, gentle, and creative love.  I need to see the other person clearly and be seen by them clearly.  We need to share power and collaborate.

I asked for more–this person did not want a closer role with me and said no.  As we went from there, we learned that even how I do friendship is overwhelming for them.  Yes, I have so many feelings and words.  That’s true.  It’s hard to be told I’m too much–I felt crushed.  It’s hard to be pushed away for wanting to give and receive care.  Yes, how strange I am–I want to be there for another person who’s there for me.

I’m too much for some people, but I’m the right amount for many people.  The trick is not to use one person’s rejection to fuel me in misguided self-loathing and pain.  I did that when I was young.

The relationship is toast.  The connection is charred, dumped in the compost bucket, inedible.   What a waste of good bread.  I’ve learned so much, and I wanted to write about it.

what I learned

If someone tells you they don’t like people and they’re afraid they’re a sociopath, don’t comfort them.  Don’t coo and explain how sociopathic and misanthropic are different.  Believe them, get off their bed, and leave their room immediately.

If someone tells you that experiences you shared with them never happened, get the fuck away from them.  Anyone who rewrites reality at your expense is not your friend.

When someone is blessed with youth, beauty, free time, a safe home, community, family, all the food they can eat, their drugs of choice, and a brilliant partner who cares for them, yet they still mostly hate people, you might not want to be subject to that.

If someone opens their robe to get you closer to their body for a long hug and gets off on you wanting them, then later says, “You misunderstood–I try to be kind to everyone,” they are full of shit.  They are not a person of integrity.  That’s not for you–please take your energy elsewhere.

Just because you share with someone a neurotype, spirituality, and sleep schedule, doesn’t mean you can be close to them.

When someone says they don’t feel an emotional connection with you, that doesn’t mean you’re not good enough.  It could be neutral fact, it could mean they’re not good enough to see your worth, or it could be code for “I realize I wouldn’t be able to control you, and I’m not interested in actually collaborating and sharing power in relationship.”

Never in my life have I said, “I will save that person.”  But my pattern of getting close to the most complicated, refulgent, fucked up people shows me that even without my conscious intention, that’s what I’m doing.  Maybe I should work on no longer doing that.

what I already knew but re-learned

Even if you find someone remarkably wonderful, there can be one or two big issues that keep you from being able to connect closely.  The severity of their wonderful will never outshine the harshness of the heinous problems.

When someone tries to make my needs wrong so theirs can be right, they’re not a safe person for me.  And that’s not even how needs work.  It’s deeply selfish, and it shows their misunderstanding of relationship.

One person’s rejection says nothing about my worth.  My worth is never up for debate.

Some people are comfortable believing things about themselves that are untrue.  In fact, they base their whole life on these errors.  They’re not open to feedback and insight; the truth does not concern them.  They are not my people.

Some people use their trauma to excuse anything and everything.

thank you

Thank you to myself for finding the dead end quicker than usual.  The experience hurt and distracted me from my life’s work a bit, but I’m safe.

Thank you to myself for having self-awareness, staying honest with myself and others, talking it over with spouse and friends, and being who I am.  I’m glad I spoke up about what I noticed about the behavior of this person, even when my thoughts were unwanted and the person tried to smash them like a whack a mole.  When someone tries to smash my truth, that’s a clear sign to get away, as they are opposed to a big part of my life’s work.

I’m sorry I tried to connect, give, share, and know.  But at the same time, that’s who I am.  Of course others matter to me, and I jump in.  I’m deeply curious and charmed by all sorts of beings.  I actually like that about myself.  So I’d like to thank myself for trying.

I dream of a trip, even when it’s no journey I should actually undertake.  But my life is very rich, trying on many idea-hats, and risking closeness with varied people.  I’m some kind of slut, though getting to the point of actual sex with anyone other than my spouse is rare.  I’m a very responsible slut.  What kind of slut are you, reader?

no journey

There’s no journey to take with this person who had possibly been my friend.  But I spoke honestly when I was resting on their bed and told them–it’s an honor.  I meant it’s an honor to be near another being and smell the fragrance of the Miracle.  Some conflict at the end felt like a shitshow, and it’s not fair that they painted me as bad in order to exalt themselves as good.

But the Mystery was delicious to encounter.  The hormones pumped through me like drugs–it felt like a glimpse of God.  I’m glad I try.

There’s no way to hold onto these genius freaks who intrigue me, engage me, reject me, and break my heart.  When I write about the whole thing, I hold onto a sliver of it.  What I learned is appropriate to take with me.