to comfort a slut

“There’s only one way to comfort a slut,” I told my spouse.

“Open up,” he said.

“Yes, I need my holes stuffed,” I said.

heartbroken

Yes, I was heartbroken and in need of deep comfort.  I tried to love a man who I found so beautiful, brilliant, and charming.  The gentle way he touched me, the rumble of his voice, the softness of his beard.

His boundaries felt strange, and his wellness is very much in flux.  He’d been at a peak, but when he hit a valley, I realized he can’t really do relationship.  Not like I need.  Oops.

Yes, I admit it now.  My relationship style is rather ornate, maybe Rococo.  Sorry about that.  I need all the parts there.  I’m not good at half-relationship.  Go big or go home, or something like that.

I do relationship like an opera.  No, I don’t have one person on stage playing a guitar and crooning.  I don’t have one busking percussionist on the street corner, making a masterpiece of bucket drumming.  It’s a full on orchestra with all the bassoon parts, elaborate costumes, sets, horned helmets, loud divas.

ways of doing relationship

I didn’t understand how many ways of doing relationship there are.  In this house alone I see vastly different relationship styles.  Others’ relationships have way more space.

I notice that my spouse and I are weirdly doing a version of my parents’ relationship.  But without the addiction, domestic violence, children, Christianity, love of money as fake safety, or shitty food choices.

My spouse and I add some nonmonogamy, tons of creativity, activism, permaculture, and freedom to the mix.  Otherwise, same relationship–built on the same chassis.  So close and protective.  Wild–I had no idea.

emo

I’m super involved, emo, caring.  I have strong needs and an almost endless capacity to show up for someone I’m going deep with.  I need alonetime but little space of my own.  To the point that some people will call me dysfunctional.

So be it.  You can’t please all the lovers all the time.  Fortunately I please my spouse and myself.  There’s so much to like.

• oral skills
• pretty tits
• lovely cunt
• long attention span
• creativity
• curiosity
• self-love
• a good attitude
• communication
• willingness
• medium-high sex drive
• lots of love
• sexual fantasies for days

There’s what we do, which we both enjoy very much.  Then separately, I feel the burden of judgment.  Self-judgment and from outside.  It’s hard to know how much to listen to criticism.

sads

I was sad the charming man I adored was not wanting me back.  What a terrible loss.  But I felt silly to waste energy pining for this dude, when I have a lovely spouse Right Here.  My spouse is the best.

• caring
• hot
• kind
• attentive
• committed
• willing
• lovely body
• emotionally skilled
• attuned to me
• helpful to my well-being
• medium-high sex drive
• open to all my ideas
• including the weird ones

Basically my spouse is amazing, in all the ways this man I wanted is not.

to comfort a slut

The obvious solution was to stuff my holes, the best way to comfort a slut such as myself.  I asked my spouse to make me suck his dick when I was talking about the adored dude who was slowly, confusingly rejecting me.

It was a joyful request, and my spouse readily agreed, unzipping his pants and presenting his dick to suck.  I was begging for it.  Please distract me from emotional pain with bodily pleasure.  Please connect with me in ways this sad, walled off, beautiful fucked up man cannot.

What I didn’t expect was that mixing deep rejected love-grief with the sexual pleasure of my spouse’s dick down my throat was going to be a strange combination.  It led to some intense revelations, and I would like to tell you about one of them, next post.