Hello, I’ve been thinking about what sex is for. I was talking with my good friend–we were having a date, and I was happy she asked me some frank questions.
“Do you and your spouse have sex every day?” she asked.
Maybe I’ve mentioned it, or maybe she read about it in a blog post. My friend and I were sitting on a bench at a park. It was cool out but not too cold.
“Yeah, ideally,” I said. “If I have my druthers. Twice a day is my preference, actually. But we don’t do that very much these days.”
I explained how my spouse and I had sex every day without fail for the first year and a half of our relationship. Often twice a day.
“We’ve had sex thousands of times,” I said. “We know so many things to do together. And because it’s been so long, there’s a lot to access.”
The history feels like a rich trove of treasure. We can dive in and find something old that we love, and do it again.
Then my friend and I went about town. My friend drove me to look at the houses of rich people, the high school she attended, and I felt loved to be included. We spoke of other relationships.
Then I suddenly told her, “I like doing a lot of things daily. It’s an autism thing. You know there’s this cliche of autistic people loving to have a schedule.”
“Oh, so the sex becomes routine?” my friend asked as she drove.
“Yeah, well–routine in the best sense of the word,” I said. “Something to rely on.”
“It’s just nice to know you’ll do it?” she asked. I loved how she was trying to understand.
“Well, yes. But more like it becomes a spiritual practice,” I said. “Doing it every day means it becomes central to my life. Like meditation, singing, movement, or any healing modality. It becomes a part of my survival.”
Wow, my own truth took my breath away. Sex as an advanced survival strategy is so important to me. But we don’t usually talk about that.
I look around and see so many people who are repressed and hurting about sex. They see it more as a liability. It makes them do bad things, or it makes them lose their freedom in relationship. Sex feels good, but they don’t have the skills to manage the after part, or to talk about it much at all.
So many people don’t know what sex is for. They see it as a base urge or bodily need akin to pooping. My heart breaks for them.
I’m sorry that many people miss the chance to do deep healing and safety through sex done well. I’m sorry that poorly implemented Christianity and other bullshit has messed people up with guilt and emotional pain around sex.
I wish I could help you, people. All I can do is find another way and tell you about it.