“I was thinking I might masturbate,” I told my spouse.
We were in bed. I’ve been stressed, anxious, and angry beyond what I can endure. Flooding myself with pleasure is a way to care for myself, to push the suffering out.
“Hmm, I like it when you masturbate,” he said.
“Yeah!” I said. “It’s a wonderful thing to do, but such an ugly word.”
A lot of things are like that. Penis is an ugly word for a potentially gorgeous thing. Orgasm is an ugly word too.
At least vulva has those two delicious v’s, shaped in a vulva way. I actually like that one.
word
“We should think of a better word,” I said. But we’ve pondered this before. “There is no better word!”
“I like it when you touch yourself,” he said.
“Yeah, but there are so many ways I can touch myself,” I said.
“I like it when you make yourself come,” he said.
“Yeah, but I can enjoy it without making myself come,” I said. “I can go halfway there. Or partway there.”
I used to think orgasm’s intensity and release was the point of sex. Then I had a friend who taught me how orgasm doesn’t have to be a fixation.
It was difficult for her to come, and she didn’t want her experiences to be lesser than. It helped me to realize that many sexual experiences are valid, not just my favorites.
more options
“Rubbing my clit can be many different things. I could just rub it for a moment, checking in with myself,” I said. Sometimes I do that, lying in bed, especially when I’m alone. “Not with any real intensity. Just seeing what’s going on there.”
“I like you rubbing your clit,” he said.
“Polishing my pearl is just too funny,” I said.
I imagined pink pearls, glowing, shelly, wet, gleaming, luminous, slick. Easy to rub and feel the texture of. A slippery pleasure to the hand.
sex
Then slowly we began to have sex. He touched my nipples, and it took me a while to get interested. Then it felt very pleasurable, as I lost my preoccupations.
I sucked his dick. I turned the music up in hopes to drown out the sounds of our gasps and quiet moans. Devotedly, I used my mouth to please my spouse’s dick as a lady sang something soulful in Spanish. Seemed appropriate.
I played with my spouse’s balls as I blew him. The balls scrunched up, and I sucked more enthusiastically. I slightly dug my fingers into his asscheek which I had been grasping, as he began to ejaculate down my throat.
He enjoyed coming down my throat, and I enjoyed swallowing. It felt happy and easy.
masturbate
Then he touched my nipples more, and I did masturbate. Strangely, I used my right hand. It doesn’t work very well. But I was ready to come. Everything felt vivid and safe.
Coming was a big deal. It did push out my suffering. I hope we all sleep well tonight.
