smut theory

what I fantasize about lately

“I need to write,” I told my spouse.  “I have some smut inside me, and I need to share it.  Not corn smut–not immoral smut.  Good clean smut.”  I want to write about what I fantasize about lately.

love sex crushes

Lately I don’t have a crush on anyone.  I’m in love with my spouse.  I love myself a lot also.


There’s a friend I adore and find sexy as hell–nonbinary artist, gorgeous inside and out.

But the friend is happily married and needs the stability of that partnership.  I have zero desire to pull that friend out of a happy family.  No way.  I get twitterpated when I see this friend.  But at this point, it’s a potential, not a reality.


There’s the man who I wanted to cuddle and be close to, a few months ago.  That ended badly or maybe just sadly.  He mostly ignored my fantasy–that ignored feeling is a powerful warning.  His interest is low, and he’s distracted by the world.

I’m a small blip in his landscape.  I wished to be special to him–no such luck.

Sometimes he seems lonely and under-supported.  I thought I could be there for him–my spouse and I could be a force of good in his life.  It was fun imagine mattering to him in a special way.  But he’s lonely because he doesn’t connect.  Of course he’s lonely–he pushes people away.  We’re too much work.

nobody’s girlfriend

I have a friend I really love–sparks fly when we hug.  It would be amazing to be a couple with her.  I think we could go to a wonderful place together.  But she told me she doesn’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend.

Aw, too bad for me.  I can’t do sex casually.  I need too much; I go deep or not at all.  Our chemistry feels delicious, but I’d want to see her often.  Ideally I want to live with the people I’m doing it with.  My name is Nest for a reason.


My point is there’s no one I’m lusting for, besides my spouse.  So how do I fantasize lately?

Mostly I fantasize about being loved, held, and wanted by a dicked person.  Biodick or strap on would do.  I fantasize about being desired and penetrated.  I fantasize about mattering to someone, being special and dear to them.

But it’s not a particular person.  It’s like a dream person, or just the outline of a person.  I want to be loved in a sweet way for who I am, with all of my strengths and struggles.  And I want the love to manifest sexually.

Love can be expressed in so many ways.  I want this fantasy person to love me by reaming me.  I want to share my body all the way, and be taken.  Magically, I want to be in a place that’s safe and private where I can make the noise I need to and truly let go.

In real life, I have to keep an eye on myself at all times.  What I fantasize about lately includes losing it entirely.


I want to be known and loved deeply.  I’m looking for a certain kind of competence.  I’m fine being needed, and I like some kind of balance in relationships.  But in my regular life, I’m carrying so much.  I’d like to lay some of my burdens down.

Then when I lay down my burdens, I want someone to hold me, desire me, and fuck me harshly.  I want to fully relax as someone uses my body.  Not just anyone–someone caring, trustworthy, honest, and brilliant.

The man I was in love with most recently was brilliant and sometimes caring, but dishonest and totally untrustworthy.  I ached for him to learn how to love.  I explained to him what I wanted and offered to help him learn.  He usually ignored the question.

He didn’t need to love–he could be charming and act deceptively to snag support for a while.  His longterm abuser girlfriend stuck around for years, as he lied to her.  All the other women he lies to and uses are smart enough to get away from him, such as myself.

Deception is violence.  Lying to people means non-consent.  I’m disabled–I don’t have the time or energy to be abused.

queer fam

What’s next?  I have no idea.  I hope my spouse and I live as long as possible, doing true love skillfully.

Will I find a lover who meets my fantasy needs?  Will my spouse and I ever have a bigger family like I wish for?  Could I find more privacy and get my spouse to fuck me the way I’m looking for?  Like I’ve mentioned in other posts, I need a break from his disabilities.

A good friend of mine tells me my spouse is one in a million.  Probably she’s right.  I don’t have the energy to endure the scams of 999,999 frogs.  I’m not kissing that many!  But you never know what will hop into your life.

I’m curious and always learning about people and norms.  Having autism has made me extra vulnerable to being played.  I’m making a list of red flags, so maybe I will get safer.

By Nest

Curious, disabled Earth Goddess, telling the truth.

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