transmen

“Oh hey, I think I figured out why there are so many transmen in our life,” I told my spouse.  We were on a long car ride, and my spouse was driving well.

“I think it’s because transmen know how to feel,” I continued.  “Transmen know how to love.  But they’re dudeish at the same time.  And I have a thing for dudes.”

“Yeah,” my spouse said.

dick

“Kinda like you,” I said.  My spouse is amab nonbinary.  “You know how to love, but you have the nice dick and nice dudeishness.”

“Mmm hmm,” my spouse said.  He likes when I talk about his dick.

“I enjoy the transmen energy.  It’s fun.  So there are a lot of transmen I keep inviting into our life.  Or maybe there are just a lot of transmen around…  Hard to tell,” I said.

“Yeah, I see that,” my spouse said.

“I’m learning that if I want any kind of dude around, he needs to be trans,” I said.  “Maybe some cis men know how to love, but not how to love me, specifically.”

“Yeah,” my spouse said.

white dudes

“What do you think about all that?” I asked.  I felt curious about what was going on in my spouse’s head, as I often am.

“Well, I think it’s true.  And the dudes you’ve been close to lately, or tried–they were all white dudes,” he said.

“Ok, so you think it’s about my dad?” I asked.  My dad was white, and I do have issues with white guys.

“Yeah,” he said.

“What about G?  G wasn’t white,” I said.  “Oh, but G wasn’t cis.  Oh, ok.  Maybe I see what you mean.”

gender

Gender is confusing.  Desire can be confusing also, when it doesn’t make sense, or when I can see myself enacting the same bad pattern but can’t stop.

Yuck–I hate slipping into a familiar problem with, “I think it will be different this time.”  I hate afterward, looking at how it happened, shaking my head at myself back through time.

I was charmed by a new friend and asked my spouse, “What can I do right now, not to fuck this up?  What will I think three months from now and wish I did differently, when I look back on this time?  How can I not make the same mistakes as before?”

mistakes with women

The person is a white cis lady.  I need to consider what mistakes I make with women.  Maybe it’s time for some new mistakes.

Sometimes I can get a crush on someone at the beginning, figuring out how to be friends.  Then things calm down and even out.

You never know who will become a main character in your life, and who will pass through quietly.  Who’s the star–who’s the hurricane?  How about the villain?

Who will I sacrifice my health for, then wish I never met?  Who will I cherish to the point of constructing a new religion?

I’m grateful I can feel, grateful I’m creative.  Glad I have a vibrant heart to give–grateful for my own valor and compassion.  Yes, I make mistakes.  So glad I’m trying hard enough to risk countless mistakes.