I’ve been reading a lot of ads on Lex, the queer app for dating, friends, and events. Maybe I’m overdoing it and they’re getting in my head too much. The terse, flirty cleverness is tiresome. I’d rather be real.
For me, real means direct and vulnerable. But for most people, dating isn’t about real. It’s pulling the wool over someone’s eyes until they’re in love with you, then slowly letting the truth show, once hormones like oxytocin are fully activated.
I’m sorry that’s how it looks to me, my autistic alien perspective. Dating people show their good side in an extreme way. I didn’t date as a young person, just getting together with friends, and I have a deep misunderstanding of how being social works.
I thought we were being honest and here to care for one another. When I behave that way, I usually get fucked over or sucked dry.
Few people know how to reciprocate or care to do that work. In my experience, most people want to pretend they know how to love, but they just take. Finding someone who knows how to do consent and love deeply, skillfully, in a balanced way is a mess.
filter
On Lex I have the filter set to people who are around my age, not the young people. Yet I feel so different from the other queers.
Not like a dinosaur exactly, but a disabled person who can’t fan my tail feathers like that. I’m a writer and good with language, so you’d think I’d have an advantage. I wrote a nice profile I thought, but no one has initiated contact with me except a bunch of disappearing scammers and folx whose first question is about weed. No, I’m friendly, but not really 420 friendly.
Weed is a way to go into an intimate space with people and hop on the same wavelength. I’d rather share a wavelength through gradually getting to know someone, harmonic values, reasons to trust, and forming intimacy. Nothing against shortcuts, medicine, or fun. Just weed is not fun to me.
loss
Reaching out to new folx and getting mostly ignored, reading a bunch of clever ads without heart–feels like loss. Feels hopeless.
I love my spouse and being close to him. I need him–what a great family member. But I want to do love with other people too. Something tender and cherishing. Sex doesn’t need to be involved, but that’s how it usually goes.
I don’t have a queer hairstyle, so maybe the Lex folx think I’m a scammer. But I’m the opposite of a scammer.
I saw a warning post that said to check profile pics before engaging anyone, to see if the person looks queer. Wow, I felt pierced to the heart. How do we look queer? Anyone can be queer!
Do I really need the uniform? What if I wore a queer name tag instead? Sometimes I think my long brown hair and wholesomeness disqualify me from queerness, in the eyes of many. But I like my hair, and I like my wholesomeness.
thank you
Thank you for hearing my sads. Dear reader, I appreciate you. Thank you for respecting me and all the people you can muster respect for.
Thanks for being honest about who you are, what you want, and who you love. I will do the same.
