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theory

loving a man

Loving a man feels a bit treacherous.  Either I don’t care, or I care too much.  Feels impossible to find a sweet spot.

I have a friend–I can’t recall how we met.  Oh, it was a radical support meeting, years ago.  He dumpster dove flowers for us.  I thought he might be a lady, when we met.  Then nonbinary real quick.  Now I know my friend is a man, but it’s rather recent.

Our friend was coming to help us complete the big task of moving.  I was thrilled to have his help, but I was worried because this was my first time interacting with him, knowing he is a man.

gender

Gender trouble!  What if I was too vulnerable-tender or somehow treated him wrong?  When I thought we were similar gender, something like “woman-mistaken non-binary,” I felt an easy kinship with my friend.

Then making a switch to seeing him as a man, I felt a lil worried.  What if I treated him like I treated him when I thought he was a gender like mine?  No, we are not similar gender.

Loving a man is a whole other thing.  I have daddy issues for sure.  I’m often afraid of men.  Does that mean I should become afraid of my friend?

afraid

I brought it up on the long drive.  “Yeah, I was talking to my spouse about it, and wondered if I should become afraid of you,” I said.

We laughed, and my friend said I could feel however I feel.  Yes, of course.  But it’s also a bit chilling.  If the way I relate to men is that fucked up, being afraid of all men, what can I do?  Leave society and live in the forest by myself?

I’m full on rainbow queer, and I don’t want to go to Lesbian Island.  I like a variety of people; I don’t want a world of clones.  Variety is fun.  But I feel too broken.

Leaving society to live in a forest by myself is my go to solution way too often.  I’m not suited for society.  Yet here I am, needing to live in society anyway.

love

How does it work for you, loving a man?  Are you good at it?  Can you find the right amount to give, cherish, and care?  Do you maintain an appropriate closeness / distance?  Do you get used like crazy?

Does it make you pause, trying to figure out if you should treat someone differently, when you learn their gender is not what you thought it was?  I know communication is key.  This friend is not part of my everyday life.  He swooped in to help with a difficult situation when he was needed.  If we were closer and in frequent contact, maybe we could discuss the expectations and needs more easily.

Or maybe he’s getting less skilled at communicating, as the hormone replacement therapy injections change him.  Not sure–just a thought.

What’s a man, anyway?  Sometimes I think a man is someone poisoned by an inappropriate amount of testosterone.  They can be appealing, but they are not really good for me.  Loving a man doesn’t work well, in my experience.

healing

I pray that Mother God will heal my trauma and help me learn how to thrive in a culture that seems not that functional.  It functions on the backs of exploited workers, and over-giving nurturers like me.

But wait–my friend did save the day.  His energy and muscle did help us succeed in getting our stuff transported hundreds of miles.  Maybe we did ok.

By Nest

Curious, disabled Earth Goddess, telling the truth.

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