I used to think I only wanted sex when I was really horny. Now I think there are degrees of excitement, and I can enjoy sex in many ways, in different feeling states.
When I was young, the hormones were coursing through me. I needed to masturbate regularly for my own comfort, and I thought it also helped me not make poor choices in partners. Yes, if I could take care of my own orgasms in private, I might be less likely to glom onto people who would be unkind to me.
Masturbation seemed like harm reduction! Or just smart self-care. But mostly relationships were about emotions–not really the sex. And I was very curious and willing to assume the best in people. So I still got into horrible situations were difficult to get out of.
Sex is easy to get self-righteous about! There’s conservative people weird about it, as we well know, with abortion and marriage and queerness. But liberal and progressive people can have our own self-righteousness, just the other direction.
Then sex radicals who are doing something more on the edge can have self-righteousness too. Poly people who think polyamory is superior, and monogamy is necessarily about ownership, are pretty horrible. Or relationship anarchists who look down on poly people who have primary partners and say so. Oh, how hierarchical and non-woke. Yikes.
My spouse is primary to me–I feel no shame about that. We all have priorities, and I won’t pretend I don’t, for anyone.
Anyway, about self-righteousness, I used to be like–I will never have sex with anyone who’s against abortion. Yuck! Why would I even want to?
Then I fell in love with a pro-life lady. Oops. She was a homeschooling polyamorous outlier introvert genius. You know that’s my type!
When I learned she was pro-life, I was like–ugh! What? I made an exception. She didn’t have parts that could get me pregnant, and we never did it anyway, as it turned out. But I loved her so.
degrees of excitement
Yes, I used to have a self-righteousness about sex, in my own way. Hopefully I continue to shed that. I used to be rigid about excitement, with a rule like I only would have sex when I was very aroused and really wanted it. Anything less seemed like self-compromise.
Now I comprehend that there are degrees of excitement, and I don’t need a rule to feel safe anymore.
I can do it with my spouse in a friendly way. In a very horny way. In a transcendent magical way. Supportive, curious, BDSM, sleepy, alert. Like it’s the most important thing in the world. Cuddling and kissing him as he masturbates–opening my cunt to him when I’m ambivalent. Many possibilities. I don’t need to get judgey about it.
disability and age
What if my sex drive gets low, when I’m old? What if I get a new disability that makes arousal difficult? Of course I still might want to have sex.
I need freedom like laws, but also freedom from self-inflicted tyranny. Happy to shed self judgment. Free your mind, and your ass will follow.