“I haven’t thought much about those things,” the man I loved said to me. He’d just read the long essay that’s partly why I started this blog. It’s about sexual ethics and how I learned to love through the confusing journey of being preyed upon as a young person, healing, bdsm, sexual desire.
Wow, I was confused–how could he not have thought much about the way sexuality works in people’s lives, sexual ethics, and all of that? Was he avoiding sex? He was a beautiful man, intelligent–why wouldn’t he want to learn about these things?
Soon I learned that many apparently kind people still want to bang bang bang and walk away. Their bodies have sexual desires, and they want to fuck and feel pleasure, and to be close to people in a way.
But it scares them to be beholden–to owe anything emotionally to anyone. They don’t want to inter-depend. Or part of them wants to, but it’s too much work. They’re jokers, players–they might have a kindness or brilliance to them. But ultimately they use people, which makes them common creeps.
Yes, if you’re going to have a sexuality and do it with people, you need either to be super clear that it means nothing to you, or dive in and learn about love, relationship, communication, needs, and long term kindness. A middle place of feigning love and connection is sick. It results in hurting a lot of people, with deceit and selfish exploitation.
It’s not a neutral error or mistake. If you keep doing that deep into adulthood, you’re a predator. You’re leaving a trail of broken lives. It’s as simple as that, and looking the other way doesn’t make that not true.
If it’s mostly women you’re doing that to, it amounts to misogyny also. These compassionate women fall for you, offering their lives and bodies and hearts to you, and you use them. Do you think it’s ok to use women, especially vulnerable women, poor women, drug addicted women, disabled women such as myself?
Nope, it’s not ok. You can pretend it’s neutral and you never promised anything. But it’s not neutral. Stringing people along as you gather resources is sick. Communication is not optional. You’re going to need it for a lot of reasons.
The joker knows he hurts people with his sexuality, so he tries to keep it under wraps. He masturbates to porn and has surface connections. But life happens–desire is kindled, and he wants to try something deeper. Maybe it will be different this time.
But if you don’t do the work to learn how to communicate and be real, it will not magically be different this time. You didn’t find the mythical lady who will give everything while needing nothing. You’d need to find real No Strings Attached.
The problem is you don’t want No String Attached. You want someone to love you and give to you, adore you, listen to you, support you body and soul. But you want that unbalanced–you’ll love and give sometimes, on your own schedule, doing what you please.
It’s such an old problem. You pretend it’s unique to you, but it’s such a sad, ancient story. Pretending it’s unique to you, you make excuses for why it’s ok to do this to people.
- abuse you endured as a kid
- domestic violence you’ve endured from your long-term attacker girlfriend
- mental health struggles
- your drug addictions
But the truth is, there is no excuse for abusing people. Deep inside you know that, which is part of what fuels your fuckery. The knowledge that you are doing wrong makes you feel bad, which keeps you dodging reality, which keeps you doing bad, and the cycle never ends.
It’s a cycle of pain. I could see it from 3000 miles away. All your tons of therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, day programs, relatives, recovery buddies, and self-help gurus must have explained it to you. Still you continue to hurt other people and hurt yourself.
Avoiding sex as a subject of study is a form of denial. Willful ignorance is the opposite of what a responsible person needs to do.
I loved a porn star long ago, not wanting to believe the cliche that he would be slimy, but it turns out he was totally slimy. Then I loved this joker, not want to believe the cliche that he would be irresponsible and play me, but that’s exactly what happened.
It didn’t have to be that way, but it was. My conclusion is that the cliches are there for a reason. I’d like to believe that people I love are better than that. I guess being the big-titted, kind, naive, giving lady makes me a cliche too.