This is how I learned about sexuality as a kid and young person.
- experiences of my own body–masturbation
- being violated
- being oppressed by my mom, as she tried to protect me from being violated
- medical cruelty
- movies
- tv shows
- classmates, friends
- books
- my mom’s Cosmopolitan magazines
- being looked at / male gaze
- weird comments
- totally inadequate annual school sex ed
- shared experiences
- research
I was a bright, curious, confused kid, trying to piece together what’s real and what I wanted. Here are the values I’m being handed–am I really going to do this, or am I just going to pretend to do this?
What are my choices here, and how much wiggle room do I have between what’s expected of me and what I’m really going to do?
demisexual
I was thinking more about how the label demisexual could describe me. I only sexually desire people who I love.
The only reason there’s a term demisexual is to differentiate from what’s normal. But who decides what’s normal? What if most women are demisexual? I talked about this before in a post what sexual attraction is.
What’s going to be considered normal is what straight cis white guys want to do. If a straight cis white guy wants to do it with a pretty lady immediately upon seeing her, I don’t think that’s normal. It’s toxic masculinity pathological nastiness, especially if it means the guy is going to actually attempt to have sex with her almost immediately.
Getting to know someone before having sex with them seems like a good idea. You might want to give your resources to someone you know. If you want to connect in a way that could risk pregnancy, illness, emotions, needs, attachment–it might behoove you to wait to do that, to make sure they’re a decent person or just make sure they’re who you think they are.
But if your modus operandi is to use people and move on, then right–no need to know them. But if you want to do love, family, community, knowing people is key.
love
You know me: I’m all about love, family, and community. The pathologizing of normal people who are women and non-men is yuck patriarchy bullshit.
I could find someone hot from an attitude I notice, or a combination of costuming, attitude, and maybe something amazing they did. Not that I’d want to have sex with them immediately. More like I would want to get to know them, and maybe have sex with them later.
That’s a human–that’s a person. They’re living their life and doing their thing, probably not existing to be attractive. I don’t want to stand around evaluating people based on their hotness. They don’t exist for my own personal jollies. They exist for themselves.
how I learned about sexuality
How I learned about sexuality was mostly painful. I learned that I was bad and wrong. Or that I existed for the pleasure of men, on their terms. My needs meant nothing. My youth experiences with others were mostly not consensual. I didn’t get to make choices, at a speed that worked for me. I was made to adjust who I was to match everyone else.
But I love who I am today, and it happened how it happened. I’m grateful for who I am today, which was seriously affected by early violation and other harm.
I can say no to a lot of things now, that I couldn’t say no to before. Growing up is a process of learning I’m ok as I am, and undoing the shame that was heaped on me. It’s so much work!
I hope we can make a better world where kids don’t learn about sex like this, and people of all ages and genders are respected, boundaries honored, consent everywhere.
