My spouse’s favorite superhero is Black Widow. He told me this a while back, and I was confused, as she’s not Black or a widow. “What do you like about her?” I asked.
“She’s a spy. And she’s Russian,” I said.
“Why is it good, to be Russian?” I asked.
He shrugged–not sure. He studied Russian language, as a young person.
“Does she wear really tight clothes?” I asked.
“All superheros wear really tight clothes,” he said.
“Hmm,” I said. I never got jealous of a superhero before. “Do you have a crush on her?”
“No,” he said.
Did I believe that? Not sure. Of course he can have a crush on whoever, but I like to know what I’m up against!
“Also she’s dead,” he added.
“What does that mean?” I asked. “How could she be dead if she was never alive? She’s a fake person!”
He had no answer for that. But I might understand–it’s mythology.
“Is she white?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said.
“What color is her hair?”
“Red,” he said.
“Oh! Figures!” I said.
who I like
“Who do I like?” I asked. Hmm, I tried to think of a superhero I like. “I liked Spiderman when I was little. Yeah, I wished I could climb on walls like that.”
Maybe it’s related that I like spiders. I think they’re gorgeous.
Yes–shiny, octolegged, industrious, dangerous curiosity. Love them.
For years I had this cheap, thin beach towel with a depiction of Spiderman. It got little holes and rips on a corner. I liked how it dried fast because of how thin it was, and it comforted me somehow. Not Spiderman–the towel. Maybe because I had it for so many years.
The song is good too, “Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can,” and I like the story of the way he got Spiderman-ized. I think often of superhero transformation tropes.
practice people
I have zero crush on Spiderman and don’t think I even like him at all anymore. Honestly, I feel like superheros and celebrities and other characters are fake people who are like practice people for kids and stunted adults who can’t handle intimacy. Yeah, I’ve spoken ill about porn, but I think much of popular culture is just porn without the sex.
Black Widow can be a pretend girlfriend for people who are too unskilled to have a real girlfriend, or who can’t or won’t afford the emotional labor.
pets
Or pets. Wow, very unpopular opinion here. I think animals can be people for people who are so damaged that they can’t people anymore.
I saw my dad unable to connect with anyone, tell the truth, be intimate with anyone, or even have parallel play friends. But he always had a loyal dog. The dog was his friend, and his friend was a dog because dogs can’t talk. He could dominate the dog and that was fine. There was not an equality or give and take–the dog just worshiped him, no questions asked.
content warning: gore
When his last dog bit my spouse and my dad denied it, that was creepy. My dad needed the dog to be good, so my spouse bleeding was not possible. His torn open leg was not torn open. That level of denial still scares me.
Black Widow
I need to feel safe, and my spouse liking a superhero character is pretty safe. Probably Black Widow is not going to appear as an actual person, pursue my spouse, love him, and take him from me. I think I’m ok.
What’s safe? My own body could break in a moment. Hearts stop, kidneys fail, livers stop living. That’s just the risks inside of me. I’ll gather some rosebuds while I may and do the work Mother God put me here to do, until my last breath.
