The conversation didn’t go how I thought it would at all. I thought we were going to talk about relationship options, and I felt excited. Beforehand I’d imagined possibilities we could try. It was fun to dream.
I was unprepared for how “no” you seemed. Wow–why have a conversation, if the answer is just that you don’t want to hurt people by not following through? Not even me in particular–just “people.” Yuck.
Why make the appointment, create the zoom link, and show up on the hour to reject me? I had no idea I was so ready to love until I realized you’re not. Feels crazy-making, like I made up the potential.
list
Before our call, I was telling my spouse what I hoped for with you. I said how my main desire was to get to know you better; I wanted to ask for a weekly call, and I’d bring two questions each time. So many things I wanted to learn. You could ask me questions too–a way for us to get to know one another, in hopes that after two or three months, we’d decide to be in a relationship.
Sounds silly, that I wanted to do something deep with you, offering a lot, including my body. I guess it’s cringey. What a silly person I am, to think you would choose me.
But I like that about me, that I’m willing to show up and try. I risk looking ridiculous, for love. Most men live lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with their song still in them, I heard. I’ve been singing for a long time. My song is everywhere.
what I offer
I told my spouse I offer nurturing, attention, care over a long time, encouragement, adoration. I’m responsible, and I offer words–communication is a pleasure. My spouse agreed. Those are relationship skills I excel at.
And what do I want? Fun, consistency, to feel safe, to be known. Seemed simple–we could state what we offer and what we’re looking for, then see if anything corresponds.
Since you recently broke up with your girlfriend, I thought it might be a good time for you to embark on a journey with me. It was easier to talk about food and how painting the walls of your home would be like going to the dentist. If winter is the time of the Dark Mother, and Venus is in retrograde, ok. Makes sense. I wanted to hold you, adore you, and feel embodied pleasure with you. Definitely, I was mistaken.
If winter is the time to dream and vision for spring, I wanted to dream with you. Meet me on my favorite holiday, as the baby lamb stirs in the mama. But your important work isn’t something I’m invited to.
red
The Thai food was delicious–red curry is my favorite. My spouse comforted me after our call. He touched my back in a circle. I went out to the driveway and sat in the sun for a long time, crying and praying.
My spouse hoped you would break the mold. We were hopeful.
We’re disappointed, but thank you for telling the truth. I thought you were like the north star or a pure note I could tune to. Maybe you really could see me. I hope one day someone creative and brilliant will see me and want me in the way I wished you would.
