“Look at my socks, and then how my shirt matches my socks. What do you think?”
He looked at my socks, and I felt appreciated.
“It’s great,” my spouse said.
“Do you want to mate with me now?” I asked. “Have I proven I’m good enough for you?”
“Yes,” my spouse said.
“Yay!” I said, smiling. “We will have beautiful babies.”
“They’ll match,” my spouse said.
“Yeah! We’ll all match! We can all wear this hot pink color. What would you call this? Fuchsia? Dark pink? Dark bright pink?”
flower
“I would have to see the flower,” he said.
“Fuchsia flower has nothing to do with the color,” I said. “Like orchid. Orchid is not the color of orchids. Orchids can be any color! Even green or maybe black. Orchid is just a purple kind of color.”
“Huh,” my spouse said.
“Yeah! You should keep me around to help you learn about colors,” I said. We’re all artists here.
“And breed,” he said.
“Well, we could try. I’m not guaranteeing any babies. But we could try…a lot!” I imagined trying a lot.
always
Always wanting to be good and for my spouse to like me. He does like me, all the time. Sometimes I get scared and compare myself to other people. Women who might be easier, lighter, younger, less disabled, less languagey. Women who might have fewer needs. Less complicated.
I compare myself to his ex-es sometimes, which is painful. There’s really no good way for that to go. Whether I’m better, not as good, or just different–leave the past in the past.
Part of me still doesn’t believe he chooses me. But it’s been so long–ten years. I should believe it by now.
And he still wants to have sex with me too. We don’t get boring to one another–we’re always changing. We read, talk to friends, see art, and put new ideas into our heads.
My desires change. We have new experiences together and apart. We help one another through painful situations and joys too. New ways to be kind to one another emerge.
not stuck
I see a lot of people get stuck, and one or the other person in a couple will get mean or use too much drugs. Both of us are not getting mean, and we don’t like drugs, which is lovely.
Definitely I like socks, which is nice, since they’re pretty standard clothing options. Yes, a common need. How easy.
